Christmas 2018

I'm not quite sure how to talk about this year because I feel confused. In some ways I feel like there has been a lot of experience and growth, and in other cases I feel stuck. Stuck because the path to what I want is so clear. Clear that is, until I decide I don't want it.

So last year I spent Christmas in southern Spain, and New Year in Portugal. It was one of the best New Years of my life as I got to to spend it with interesting people from all around the world.

I had a tough semester of teaching, and faced many new classrooms challenges which helped me to grow. I honestly miss the tough group of kids I had last year.

In March I FINALLY got to meet up with Lewis in Georgia and we had an amazing 2 weeks of road tripping through Georgia and Armenia. Georgia and Armenia are beautiful countries filled with delicious food and wine. Georgia is becoming a more popular destination, but Armenia still isn't very heard of.

May was filled with a few long weekend, which I took full advantage of by exploring Kazakhstan outside of Almaty. I headed to the freezing(yes in May) capital of Astana, the wonderment of traditional Shymkent, and and got to enjoy the beautiful nature of Charyn Canyon, Lake Kandai, and Kolsai lakes. All made me realize how lucky I am to be living in a country that is so overlooked.

In July Lewis came to visit Almaty for a few days before we headed to Ukraine together. Then I continued my journey, solo, to Romania. I enjoyed my time exploring the little villiages, and eating traditional meat dishes.

Then I headed home for a few weeks to see my family, and watch my best friend get married. It was such a pleasure to be part of her big day.

In October I met Lewis for a week in Italy where I ate my way through pizza, pasta, and gelato.

The new school year has brought new challenges, as it always does, but a few weeks ago we moved into a beautiful new campus where I have a mountain view.

A year ago I was in Spain wishing so much to be someplace else, someplace less alone. The chaos of the last year has left me wanting something I didn't know I'd ever want: settled. I feel like maybe I'm starting to get there. In 2019 I'm looking forward to my final season in Kazakhstan with more nature walks and runs, some travel in Central Asia when work finishes, a trip home for my brother's wedding, and a move to Abu Dhabi to give this whole settled thing a try with a cute guy I know.

Merry Christmas everyone!

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29/10/18

How to start applying for jobs:1. Do an hour and a half long workout2. Cook Dinner3. Eat Dinner4. Clean the whole house5. Sit down and think about applying for jobs6. Plant face in palm7. Remember why you are doing this and then finally open up your old resume for updates.8. Go grab a beer from the fridge9. Question every single choice of your entire life.10. Still working on it....

6/11/18

I'm totally still learning about who I am. I never would have pictured describing myself as loyal.

10/11/18 I am struggling so much with job applications right now. I can't tell if it is because I love Kazakhstan so much that I don't want to leave, or maybe I just don't want to move to the Middle East. Or maybe by knowing my destination I've taken the fun out of researching life in different places. Or, perhaps, I'm just so burnt out by my current teaching situation that I cannot imagine ever wanting to put myself in it again. So I'm stressed by having the obligation to choose a good school this time around. Either way, I suppose it has to get done, so get done it will.

22/11/18

Thanksgiving is the most difficult day to be away from home. Every. Damn. Year. 28/11/18I need a weekend in the mountains, but also I so clearly need to be at home just getting stuff done. Breathe deep and feel the life running through this stress.

29/11/18

I've made good choices and bad choices, and I'm happy to say that Kazakhstan was a good choice. Starting to feel like I'm going to lose every single part of me in this process. 

6/12/18

We are miles from where we were last year even though we are both sitting in the same spot. Miles closer, but still so far to go.

9/12/18

I'm feeling incredibly anxious and stressed about the next few weeks of my life. Waiting to reach a breaking point. Where are my mental breakdowns?

14/12/18

Contract signed, loans paid in full, and time for 3 new countries! A very Merry Christmas to all!

Thankful 2018

As per my usual tradition- Top 10 moments of gratitude from the last year.

10. Becky's Wedding- Grateful to have had friends in college who are so amazing, that I have managed to keep in touch with.

9. Saudade- "A deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves." This feeling and phrase seemed to follow me all over my time in Portugal. 

8. Crying in front of the Vatican at 4am- We needed to say things, and we needed to feel things, and how lucky for us that it got to be here.

7. Turkistan- I felt so lucky this entire trip to have found a group of friends that are all so different from each other, but so willing to make it work and have fun no matter what.

6. Day of playing cards in Kazbegi- You, me, a bottle of wine, a deck of cards, and hours of sharing information about ourselves in our cozy little room. This is when I wanted to scream from the rooftops how happy I was.

5. NYE Portugal- I got lucky with this one. I usually have really crappy New Years Eves, and I was feeling pretty lonely because part of me had really expected to be spending it with someone. But, some locals on couchsurfing hosted an awesome night out of going from town square to town square and then I made friends with a small group of travelers. One had an amazing view of the fireworks from her hotel balcony. I feel so lucky for the way I get to interact will other travelers, and how it usually leads to the best experiences.

 4. Nephews' voices when I woke up in The States- After a seriously long and slightly delayed trip I didn't think 5 hours of sleep would be enough. But as soon as I woke up and heard my nephews' voices I was ready to get up and get my hugs. I was home!

3. Camping in Kazakhstan- 2 times, and both amazing. Recognizing that I have friends who enjoy the great outdoors equally, if not more than I do. Sitting around a campfire to keep warm and waking up with a mountain view. Who could ask for anything more?

2. Running- I'll be very honest when I say that running was what got my through September. Running was my reason to live. Each and every night when I'd return home exhausted out of my mind, I'd force myself outside for an hour to build up my running strength. Each time I found that the last 2 km of my long runs were so incredibly difficult to get through, but overcoming them proved to myself that I could still push myself to accomplish more.

1. Lake Sevan- It's amazing how some of the worst experiences in life can bring the greatest and most cherished memories. After quite some time traveling on a rather rough road, myself and my travel companion arrived at our windy and rainy travel destination. Though there wasn't anything particularly fantastic about these 2 days I will never forget searching for crayfish at the restaurants, the random monasteries, and the beer we shared at the beach in the freezing cold. And all the times I held back those 3 sweet words because I just didn't think I should say them quite yet.

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21.8.18
There has to be something to say for soul mates. I mean yes, it is about hard work and the constant trying, but also, shouldn’t it be about that constant, instant  connection? That utter chemistry? 

23.8.18
Really not wanting to be alone anymore. But I'm trying to remember that this might be my last year to really be by myself. Embrace it!

26.8.18
This school year is going to be a tough one. Mentally because school seems to be in utter chaos, physically because I've decided to challenge myself in my exercise habits, and emotionally because I'm really not sure about the status of my heart right now. I thought maybe I'd be able to just slide through my second year here, and continue to build the best version of myself, but life has put a few too many barriers in the way for now.

I cannot remember a time I was ever this secure in who I was, yet so incredibly insecure about myself in terms of what others think about me.

2.9.18
Somehow I find myself searching for jobs in a place I swore I'd never search for a job.

21.9.18
Tonight while running a song that I fell in love with a year ago came on. I remember listening to it and not really understanding why it meant anything, but today I know. Last year at this time I was going on a lot of first, second, and sometimes even third dates. After each one I'd get home and message my best friend and think to myself how much better the evening would have been if he had been sitting across from me. We've come a long way in the last year. I'm so happy to be working toward my home with him :)

8.10.18
I'm feel strangely content even though I have no idea where I'm going next. I feel satisfied with what I've accomplished with myself here.

10.10.18
I'm starting to really re-think my career path and choices. Sometimes I think about the problems I've had in the last year and I wonder if I'm a really bad teacher. But this is the first place I've had problems. In all my other schools my students have been mostly angels and they have all adored me. I wonder if it's a cultural thing.

18.10.18
So many unanswered questions....

20.10.18
I think travel is starting to become too normal. When my mom asked if I was excited about this trip it hadn't even registered that I was going anywhere. Sometimes I feel like this life has become a chore. All these planes are just barriers to being with you.
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I am on this trajectory. My own decisions have put me here, and I cannot change my course. I'm starting to feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.

27.10.18
Some reflections on Rome from a plane: It seems I spend so much time worry about the future that I don't enjoy the present. I wait until the last minute to start appreciating what is in front of me, and were I am.

I'm worried about sharing my life with someone. 4 years is a long time to be alone and get comfortable with doing things the way I want and when I want. I have to learn to let go, ease up, and accept that if i just want to share the joys of life with someone I also need to share the challenges and the normalcy of it too.

There is a lot to work on, and a difficult few months ahead of me and a lifetime of challenges ahead of us, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm gonna keep following it for you.

31 days of self love

I recently joined an online fitness community for teachers. It adds a little extra support to my desire to become healthier this year. One person recently commented on how it is highly important that we stay emotionally fit. As important as my physical health is to me, I've realized since coming back to Kazakhstan that I am not in the best emotional state. So I've vowed to do 31 days of self love to get myself back to where I need to be in terms of accepting who I truly am.

*As a side note this took me way longer than 31 days as I kept skipping. But it was good self reflection regardless. 

Day 1
Today my biggest struggle to loving myself is my fear of being too selfish. I had a long chat with my bestie today about how much I should be willing to sacrifice for someone I truly love at this stage in my life. One of the most honest truths she said is that is that if I sacrifice too much I will just be resentful and break the relationship. This made me realize that really I'm the most confident in who I am and what I want out of life that I've ever been. I just can't let my fear of selfishness stand in the way of the decisions I make for my future

Day 2
I started training for a half marathon. I really don't think I can run that long at one time. 

Day 3
I can start cleaning up after myself right away, rather than letting my apartment get out of control dirty.

Day 4
One compliment I struggle to accept is that I'm brave. I meet a lot of really brave people, so I don't really consider myself brave by comparison.

Day 5
Something I need to start saying yes to is taking nights off from my usual routine to keep in touch with friends and build new friendships. Less time about me and more about others. 

Day 6
Today I need to forgive myself for not always being the best teacher, and not always feeling 100% confident in my abilities.

Day 7
I love my skin (unless I eat too much chocolate) and my hair color. I love that I'm strong enough to travel alone. 

Day 8
I need to take my time when it comes to the future. Things are "up in the air" right now, and I'm really not good at doing the "not knowing" part of life. Luckily I've been so busy with work that I've let some of it go. I need to realize that if things are meant to fall into place they will, and me rushing them will only make things worse.

Day 9
I need to get rid of the sugar. I did really good for 2 week and felt so much more energetic and full of life. I looked and felt better about myself. Now I'm back to eating too much of it, and it really effects my sleep, and body image. Also the clutter and the clothes.

Day 10
I can set boundaries by turning off the computer and my phone and making 20-30 minutes for myself.

Day 11
I would describe myself as being a very adventurous person who does not like sitting still. I would say I'm outdoorsy and like to travel and see the beauty of the world. 

Day 12
Today my friends made me feel happy to be alive. And my home. This city has so much to offer, and I feel like my home is a place I can relax and chill out.

Day 13
Maybe I'll post this. Basically I went to work sick today. Gross. 

Day 14
My younger self would be really proud of me for not settling for what I thought I wanted.

Day 15
I'm afraid to ask for my classroom back. Mostly because I know I can't have it right now. But I am definitely afraid to ask for what I need.

Day 16
I think the most loving thing I do for myself is take care of my body. Most people work themselves silly, and eat low calories to lose weight. I workout and eat like I do because I know it is what my body needs.

Day 17
I indulged myself this weekend by purchasing a decently expensive dress (well for me...) and a nice long sleeve running top. Also, booking nice spots to stay in Italy in 3 weeks.

Day 18
One change I need to make to make myself happier: I'll say it again loud and clear. Give up the sugar. Also, move toward my relationship, and quit ignoring it. 

Day 19
I am making the world a better place by teaching kids to think in new ways.

Day 20
 I'm giving myself a break today by eating the sugar. Lol. And also taking a day off running to let my knee heal.

Day 21
I'm working on believing I deserve nice things. I've always been a big saver, and I've always been raised to thinking about the money I spend. But recently I've been spending my money on nicer, high quality things.

Day 22
Looking at my stomach and overeating anyways makes me feel awful about my self control habits, and the fact that I'm not secure about how I look.

Day 23
My support system consists of my family, a few really close friend who live in various places around the world, and a few friends here. All in all it's pretty good, but I think I need to get better at maintaining the long distance.

Day 24
I wish my partner teacher would just tell me what I did to make her hate me so much. And how I can continue to sacrifice my own teaching needs to make her life easier. Sorry. Just time to be blatantly honest about it. 8 more weeks of sharing space....

Day 25
Apparently I'm pretty good at running. Also at drinking beer.

Day26
I'm ashamed of my eating habits. I seem pretty healthy on the outside, but when I get home at night I really enjoy some chocolate or ice cream. Also, ashamed of some of my drunken behaviors. And my inability to keep my apartment clean.

Day 27
My future self will thank me for completing this half marathon in the freezing cold. But I still don't wanna go!!!

Day 28
I have a few great role models. I really appreciate good teachers. The ones who are passionate and are constantly trying to be better. I have the same desires as them, but not quite the same drive. I love teaching, but I want to have a life outside of it as well. I think both of my brothers are awesome role models. They have accomplished so much in their lives and give so much to their families. My parents have been excellent role models as well. They always support me in whatever it is I want to do. I want to be supportive to the ones I love as well.

Day 29
I want to live my life by pretty much anything Tom Robbins says. “Death is simple. Life is messy. Give me life, the more complicated the better.”-Tom Robbins.

Also, Sufjan's lyrics "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake..."

Day 30

This really got me thinking. I think I really hate the label "American", because I think what people actually take it to mean is "privileged". I am privileged, but not in the way people think I am.

Day 31

Moving forward I can continue to break bad habits and build good ones. I can focus on the present, but look forward to the future.

Summer 2018: Part 2

What makes love stay? Tom Robbins asks a good question. I'm not sure what the answer is.  I wonder if I'm purposely being self destructive or if I just made a mistake. I think of how hard we have worked to get here and tell myself it has to be the later.  I hope openness, honesty, continual love and hard work, and the knowledge that what we have is real will make love stay. But, I don't keep secrets. Secrets do not make love stay.
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Sometimes I doubt this. I doubt everything I think I know. But then a song comes on and my tears swell up because it is so much about you. And that's it. Now my life is all about you, and it's been that way for a long time. And that's that. No doubt.

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Small decisions have put me where I am today. If I had agreed to an EAL job, or chose to be persistent about my interview in Romania rather than dropping it for Jakarta where would I be? If I had agreed to go on a second date with the guy from the library rather than clinging to hope with my ex, if I had gone to a different party or restaurant who would I have met that would have changed my life course. I remember thinking I had figured out why Saudi didn't work and why I was meant to be in Kazakhstan. Right now none of my decisions feel right as I play out all the other scenarios of my potential life. By I am right where I am supposed to be in this place and time. Life is made up of little moments and decisions, and most of them I cannot control. So I try again to just let go of the anxiousness I have been constantly feeling.

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People keep asking me if I'm ready to go home. I don't even know what the word "home" means anymore. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not prepared to stay any longer. I'm ready for the mountains. I'm ready for my bed. But Kazakhstan is not my home. Minneapolis is not my home. I am ready to go home. But that's not where I'm going. Someday, maybe I'll have a home again.

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I thought leaving would be easy this time. When I went back to Montenegro after being home, returning felt like a breeze in comparison to the constant trips to the US with a move to a new country. When I returned to Montenegro after Christmas I felt like my life was settled, and I had shit figured out. Now I feel like everything is up in the air and I have nothing figured out. I had nothing figured out then, and nothing figured out now. But what made me more confident then?
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10/8/18
I'm starting to wonder why I decided to plan a 5 day trip to Kyrgyzstan, as I'm feeling uneasy about my Russian, and ability to figure out how to travel here solo. Also, I could just hike here and spend my days carefree. Then I think about how intensely bored I would be by Tuesday of next week if I didn't have this thing planned, and I start to feel okay about the unease.

Summer 2018: Part 1

20/6/18

I’m not sure if the confusion is making my cranky, or if the crankiness is leading to my confusion. I am insanely self conscious and moody and for right now I just need 10 minutes alone to sob.

22/6/18

Some days I really wonder if I am meant to spend my life single and solo.

23/6/18

All these people and places have taught me something very important: I will always find myself no matter where I am and who I am with

24/6/18

Everyday I try to explain to my student that the world is not a fair place. It is not composed of fair situations. Ours is not even close to fair.  2 years down, but 14 more months of hellos/goodbyes and imagining your arms are around me.

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Walking toward you and seeing everything I want as you cheer for your team that has somehow become my team.

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Walked out of the pub and there was a man playing “How I wish you were here.” I wandered up some semi-hidden steps, saw a view of the city with the sun setting and really did wish that you were here.

28/6/18

Sometimes when you travel you meet people who just cling to you. All you really want to do is get rid of them, but you can’t shake them. The nice thing about these people is that usually they make you realize how lucky you are for the true companionship you have.

29/6/18

It’s funny, because all the parts of me I thought would cause a man to fall in love with me don’t seem to matter. Maybe the whole time I was working on myself for myself. I sure love my taste in music, and my lack of fashion sense. This is proof that we should become who we are meant to be alone first.

After reading over everything I’ve written in the last year it has become all the more clean that you are the obvious missing piece of all my travels.

30/6/18

The last few times I have traveled I haven’t felt as much joy. Am I getting old and slowing down? Are these streets too familiar and easy to solve? Or, am I really to move on to a new part of my life journey. If so I’m going to have a problem, because I have built my life around this. I’m counting down the days until I get to go home, and I’m not sure if that is good or bad.

Suddenly I am doubting everything I thought I knew. I made a promise to myself ages ago when I was drunk one night in Montenegro that I would never take you for granted. I feel like I spent our whole week together so exhausted and short fused that I definitely took it all for granted. And I’m also taking all the opportunities that come with travel for granted. More food, wine, museums, history, walks, and conversations with strangers please.

2/7/18

I met a French girl on the train who was traveling solo for the first time. She asked me if I ever get so lonely that I just stay in bed all day and cry. Guys, yesterday that is basically how I spent my day. Much as I pump solo travel, it's not all sunshine and smiles. It is emotionally draining. But then I get days like today. This is me, finally on a hiking trail. Solo travel isn't about always being happy, it's about pushing yourself through physical and emotional hurdles to learn more about yourself and the world. After my quick 3 hour hike I'm off to a city walking tour.

5/7/18

I haven’t written in a few days because I’ve been busy/meeting people. I have to admit that I am just a slight bit nervous about the next part of the journey. Overnight buses are new and I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I arrive at my destination. I have 9 days left of travel, and while the last 3 have been a blast I’m feeling my love for solo travel dwindle slowly. I’m feeling ready to settle down and quit traveling so much and yet, there are so many places left to visit. So much to do with the one life I’ve been given.

10/7/18

I want it to be next year. And I hate counting down my days like this….

11/7/18

True to form, I either write too much or nothing at all. I’ve realized that my personal emotions are getting too personal to share. So what else to write and share? I once suggested that a man who worked in a hostel write about the people he met. People are one of the main reasons I travel. And let me tell you, on this trip I have met some interesting characters. I of course will not be writing about those I actually spent time with or plan to stay in contact with in the future. Just the random strangers I meet, have a brief encounter with, whether it be good or bad, who cause you to think about life in a different way.

http://tiarasoutlawmaps.blogspot.com/2018/07/people-i-met-in-ukraine-moldova-and.html

I have to admit that it is really strange to leave a place just as you feel like you are finding your funk.

15/7/18

I crave the mountains as we make our final decent over the city. I know I won’t see them, it’s 4am and still pitch black, but I can see lights that indicate higher ground. I feel them and it is enough. I am home. And yet I’m leaving to go home in two days. And a year from now I will be planning a move home to you. Who knew a word could have so many meanings, and each one could be so equally important?