Summer 2018: Part 2

What makes love stay? Tom Robbins asks a good question. I'm not sure what the answer is.  I wonder if I'm purposely being self destructive or if I just made a mistake. I think of how hard we have worked to get here and tell myself it has to be the later.  I hope openness, honesty, continual love and hard work, and the knowledge that what we have is real will make love stay. But, I don't keep secrets. Secrets do not make love stay.
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Sometimes I doubt this. I doubt everything I think I know. But then a song comes on and my tears swell up because it is so much about you. And that's it. Now my life is all about you, and it's been that way for a long time. And that's that. No doubt.

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Small decisions have put me where I am today. If I had agreed to an EAL job, or chose to be persistent about my interview in Romania rather than dropping it for Jakarta where would I be? If I had agreed to go on a second date with the guy from the library rather than clinging to hope with my ex, if I had gone to a different party or restaurant who would I have met that would have changed my life course. I remember thinking I had figured out why Saudi didn't work and why I was meant to be in Kazakhstan. Right now none of my decisions feel right as I play out all the other scenarios of my potential life. By I am right where I am supposed to be in this place and time. Life is made up of little moments and decisions, and most of them I cannot control. So I try again to just let go of the anxiousness I have been constantly feeling.

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People keep asking me if I'm ready to go home. I don't even know what the word "home" means anymore. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not prepared to stay any longer. I'm ready for the mountains. I'm ready for my bed. But Kazakhstan is not my home. Minneapolis is not my home. I am ready to go home. But that's not where I'm going. Someday, maybe I'll have a home again.

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I thought leaving would be easy this time. When I went back to Montenegro after being home, returning felt like a breeze in comparison to the constant trips to the US with a move to a new country. When I returned to Montenegro after Christmas I felt like my life was settled, and I had shit figured out. Now I feel like everything is up in the air and I have nothing figured out. I had nothing figured out then, and nothing figured out now. But what made me more confident then?
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10/8/18
I'm starting to wonder why I decided to plan a 5 day trip to Kyrgyzstan, as I'm feeling uneasy about my Russian, and ability to figure out how to travel here solo. Also, I could just hike here and spend my days carefree. Then I think about how intensely bored I would be by Tuesday of next week if I didn't have this thing planned, and I start to feel okay about the unease.