Portugal: Saudade

25/12/17
I don't care where I am for Christmas next year, as long as I am with you.
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You can only help someone if they want to be helped. At some point you just have to throw in the towel.

26/12/17
Sometimes you look at something once and don't really see it until you look again.

27/12/17
I spent all morning on the bus feeling crazy guilty. I know technically I did nothing wrong, but it wasn't you, and you are all I want.
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53 minutes of talking and it still doesn't feel like enough. My heart is full of so much joy.

28/12/17
Some days of traveling are incredible. You meet awesome people and have a good time. Other days you do laundry for 3 hours, watch netflix, and crave any kind of human contact.

29/12/17
I have to admit that as much as I pump the joys and wonders of solo travel and highly recommend everyone does it at least once I am also starting to get incredibly sick of it. I'm just at a point where I would like to sit in a restaurant and not be stared at while I write in my journal. Or where I want to stop into a local place for a a glass of wine, but also don't want to sit on my phone while I drink it. I guess what I really mean to say is that I just really want to travel with you.
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Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with my feelings toward you that I just can't breathe.

30/12/17
I am exhausted and tired, and frustrated with humanity. Right now I don't care about anything but your arms.

31/12/17
Last year at this time I was sure that by now I'd be with you. No more playing around. Let's make this shit happen.
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So there is this word in Portuguese that I keep hearing: Saudade. It is the bittersweetness of missing someone or something. Moreover of it being missing from you and you being missing from it.

It keeps appearing on this trip. It's in the street art, its the feeling you get when you listen to Fado music, and it was used again in the description of the way women used to feel when they said goodbye to their men as they went to sea. I think it is a very fitting word to describe the entirety of this trip. I'm used to traveling solo, and being alone, but for the majority of this trip I have felt like I am missing from you and you are missing from me. It's bittersweet, because while I'm sad you are not here, I am grateful that I get to miss you with the hope of seeing you soon. For now we are missing from each other, but this Saudade will not last forever.

Spain

17/12/17
I forgot how much I love the feel of Europe. it was the perfect day of travel, minus all the planes. I arrived to 16 degrees Celcius and sunny. I landed to discover the metro wasn't running and immediately had to start solving problems. I left the hostel and ended up wandering alleys for 3 hours discovering small cultural bits of the city. I live for this.

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Sometimes I have this flash of what my life could be like if I were not myself. For example: Today I walked past this empty bar and the bartender was very cute and I thought to myself "maybe I'll just go in, kiss him, quit my job and start a new life." And then I remembered who I was.
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6 years ago I was just dreaming about leaving America to come to Spain. If you had told me then that I'd be visiting here for Christmas twice, I never would have believed you.

18/12/17
I'm back to thinking about how I'm going to have big decisions to make in a year. *sigh*
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I know I've only been traveling for a few days, but I already needed to escape to the countryside. to be in silence. Enough of this "baroque" and "renaissance" style. Give me trees and mountains!

19/12/17
This trip is great, but it'd be better if you were holding my hand.
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Spain. Back to country #7. I'll make it to #39 by the new year, but I'm looking really forward to #40. I have a feeling #40 will be spectacular.
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I was ahead in my budget, so I went shopping at the market. Whoops! Life is too good to worry about cash.

20/12/17
Sometimes I feel like I'm rushing through places, and others I feel like i'm doing them just right.
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Tossing and turning and stress. I cannot take it.

21/12/17
Woke up after too little sleep to terrible news about my apartment back home. I try to brush if off and just enjoy the day for what it is.

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Met a great group of people and discussed how difficult it is for men traveling solo. They said they felt strange approaching women because they didn't want to seem creepy. They said it is equally difficult to approach other men. I need to start being out there more. Get my social side going and push myself.

22/12/17
I haven't said it in awhile, but I LOVE trains! I just saw these amazing cliffs and just wanted to get out and wander. similar feelings for a tree. Saw it and was dying to sit under it with a good book.

23/12/17
Things that I am learning to appreciate
1) That I'm getting closer to financial freedom and this allows me to travel how I want.
2) My instincts to follow little paths and trails that lead me to beautiful and wonderful things.

24/12/17
I walked home down lonely Christmas eve streets and suddenly I felt ridiculously sad. Mostly because I feel guilty about being away from home again this year. I got back to the hostel and felt sorry for myself until I realized this was a choice I was making. So I went out and met up with some fellow couchsurfers. It is easy to feel alone, but it is also easy to combat it.

3/1/18
I don't know why, but I just did not vibe with Lisbon. I'm so glad I'm back in Barcelona. I spent the night wandering the streets, and singing (accidentally) out loud. I am so happy about my life.

4/1/18
I've been doing a lot of people watching on this trip. The ones I admire the most are the dads playing hide and seek with their kids at tall of these boring monuments, and the kids making the most out of what is possible a very boring situation for them. And that right there tells me everything I need to know about where I am and where I want to go.

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One of those nights where (meh) couchsurfing meet-ups, (meh) craft beer, and (meh) live music leads to a fantastic walk home in the dark with amazing weather and my music, but greatly lacking in stars. I am so grateful for what I have been given and where I have been.

5/1/18
I saw a cute old couple sharing a pastry and a coffee. The smile on her face and the kindness in his eyes reminded me of you. Someday we will be them.

Unwashed hair, lack of sleep and sunshine. Will you be mine forever?