I have no idea what just happened, but I do not like it one bit. I'm feeling very uneasy about the state of my heart right now.
30/10/17
I'm here and this is exactly what I asked for, but it's not you. I have no idea what I'm doing.
4/11/17
And now I'm pissed at myself. I should have kept my damn mouth shut. However, at the end of the day maybe this will allow me to realize that in reality, being alone is always the best way to protect your heart.
6/11/17
The world is a very different place when you are in love. In love with life, in love with yourself, in love with the oddity of it all. The mountains make sense of it all!
16/11/17
I'm too good for this shit, and yet what I want right now is this shit.
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There isn't a single part of my life that I like right now. I hate my job, I hate my relationships, I hate the way I'm treating myself and my body. I need to pull myself together ASAP.
17/11/17
Sometimes I think of the city as a prison. But tonight as I arrived home at midnight I looked up and noticed that even though there is light pollution I can still see the stars, and they are exactly what I needed.
23/11/17
Listening to songs from the other perspective and wondering why the hell I'm doing this to myself.
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Alright...I recognize this feeling. I have to start getting out of the house more often. Local watering hole? Where are you? Also, I need more friends.
24/11/2017
I remember feeling this way in Jakarta, but I don't remember feeling this way for more than a day here or there in Tivat. It better go away quickly cause I'm not enjoying it.
30/11/2017
There is you, and you have been my everything, my reality for so long that I cannot keep ignoring you.
512/17
I haven't lived somewhere with a real winter in a long time. Right now I'm super excited about it. Of course so far all I've had to do it walk 5 minutes to where my driver picks me up and 2 minutes from where he drops me off. I might feel totally different a month from now.
9/12/17
I cannot say that I want you anymore. That does not adequately describe how I feel. I desire every inch of who you are to be present in my life. I want to breath your air, touch your skin, and spend each and everyday of my life making you smile. I do not want you. I am desperate for you.
I don't feel like any of what I have written adequately displays the last few months of my life. They have been tough, but I've dealt with the confusion of it all in a very different way than I am used to. I feel like my whole life has been preparing me for my now. So I guess I'll end this post with a Tom Robbins quote, как всегда.
14/12/17
I am happy to be leaving Kazakhstan with my current emotions. As foreign as being here feels it still feels like home.
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