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8/4/19
"Such a struggle, hardship and risk and for what? Fifteen minutes on top with a pleasant summit picture and view if the weather is kind. That's the physical reality, for some, but I say it flippantly because it is not how I see it. Mountains do more than that. They liberate the soul and they free the mind from the chaos of life. They allow the imagination to escape and enable the body the chance to express itself in the natural world. Mountains are so simple and yet running through them is a complex and beautiful tapestry, woven together to allow humans to test the core of their spirit to its limits."

24.4.19
I'm getting tired of always asking myself why. There has been no indication of the answer. In fact all statements make me think truth exists on the opposition.

27.4.19
I went back and read my old blog, my first ever blog, about running. I was such a clever and smart girl back then. I wonder where that self-confidence went.

1.5.19
I feel like every time I start to find my vibe somewhere, and really start to find my people and places, I'm getting ready to leave.

4.5.19
As I enter my apartment I wish I am someone else. Someone free of the limitations I am currently putting on myself for no apparent reason.

7.5.19
They say you can always go home again. But as an expat I have learned that that statement is false. Home consists largely of the people you surround yourself with, and there is no guarantee that if you "go home" 2 or 5 years later they will still be there. And even if they are they will not be the same person as when you left. And neither will you. The goal is to find someone you can trust enough to adapt simultaneously with you and build your ever changing home, together.

8.5.19
If the world could just get its timing right for once that'd be really great....

9.5.19
The best dreams are yet to come.

17.5.19
I thought I knew who I was, and that meant I was finally ready to settle, but as it turns out I am still figuring myself out, and the real challenge is finding someone who will accept all those changes as they come. Are you ready?

18.5.19
I thought I was feeling sad about leaving weeks ago, but it turns out I'm actually devastated I'm leaving, and it hit me today, and now I'm sobbing in my apartment. Is this the beginning of the lasts?

25.5.19
Halfway to forever.

2.6.19
What is meant to be will always find a way to be. Kazakhstan was meant to by my home away from home and this friendship was meant to be just like this. At least for now.

11.6.19
Once you put words out in the world they are there to stay. I said them , and I meant them with all my heart, but the next words need to be goodbye.

18.6.19
Stressed. Not sure when the emotions will come, but I hope it's when I'm alone at home and not when I'm out in a large group of people.

19.6.19
I think it is very scary that not one single person knows all the sides of what is happening in my life at the moment. Tid-bits.

20.6.19
Once there was a girl who thought she was living her life filled to the brim. Then she moved and met amazing friends who showed her just how good life could be. And she grew and changed and became spectacular because of them.

So Long Kazakhstan

Song: The Edge by Amber Rubarth and David Peters

I'm about to become a sad sop of a mess. 3 minutes ago everything was totally fine, and now I cannot find any song to stop the tears. My body is in shambles: sore from my run yesterday, constant stomach pain, inability to sleep for several days now. I'm trying to remember the devastation of leaving Montenegro and my great dislike of Kazakhstan when I first moved here. But my feelings for this city are overwhelming.

What can I say to a place that has given me so much joy, and so many life lessons, and helped me grow in a multitude of ways. Thanks for the views, experiences, and smiles.

So long Kazakhstan!

Because I grew so much in Almaty, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on my goals for Abu Dhabi. I think my main goal is to continue to be who I was born to be. Nature enthusiast, and an active and healthy member of this world. I will continue saving money and continue to travel the world. I will love more aspects of my life, and be less anxious about my future. What is meant to be will find a way to be.

I want to put my all into my relationship and really find happiness in sharing a life with someone else. I will learn how to communicate freely rather than letting my emotions and annoyances bubble up inside of me.

For work I'd love to build stronger relationships with my students and try to promote more independence in them. I'm going to become a coach, and try to create action around the school. I want to learn to collaborate more openly, and take criticism as a way to build a better classroom.

Some smaller goals for the upcoming few years:
1. Run a Marathon
2. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro
3. Visit Africa! Step out of my comfort zone about where I go.
4. Be more environmentally friendly
5. Keep my life more organized and clean
6. Run an Ultra trail run(for a year or 2 from now)
7. Drink WAAAAAY less
8. Focus my "me" time, and "We" time-  less time on social media when out

Okay...so I have a lot of goals, but what other way is there to live life, than by constantly striving to be the best version of yourself.

United Arab Emirates

I don't know what to do with this blog post. So I'm just going to put it here. I will say that I tend to write about the bad rather than the good, and that at the end of this trip I took a good, long, hard, look at my life and what I want next. 

16/3/19I am so overly tired that I'm just going to let them roll. I'm trying so fricken hard to not compare this to Indonesia, but I'm struggling already and I have to do this for at least 2 years.

17/3/19I wish I were feeling surprise and happiness at the fact that I get to live here, but I feel a fear churning inside me, because what made me happy today was consumerism and that happiness is temporary. It does not last.

18/3/19I am so scared I'm going to fail at being happy here. It may not seem like I am putting any effort into this, but I am doing everything in my capacity, including inhaling ice cream by the pound and working out like a maniac, and having my music constantly turned up. If you want to find out if I'm really content, just try to take away my music.
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There is a big danger in living your life 2 years by 2 years.
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When I look at where I want to go it looks like I am taking 1 huge step forward. Toward security, a relationship, a better career and a real country. But I feel deeply down like I am taking 1000 little steps backwards, to where I hate myself and who I am.

3/4/19

It’s not that I don’t want to move here to be with you. It’s that I know who I am, and I know that find happiness for her there will be near impossible. I know that I am a mountain lover. Falling in love with mountains was the easiest thing I have ever done. I know that I do not like the beach, because finally coming to the conclusion of this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know that I love beer, but that I do NOT love disgusting beer. It’s hard enough to find the disgusting crap there, I don’t think spending 10 dollars on one will be worth it. I know that I love simple pleasures in life, such as catching the sunset while walking, treating myself to a coffee at a place I happen upon when out running errands. And I know none of these experiences can take place in a mall. I know that when push comes to shove I will stay in and be depressed an lonely over spending $10 on a cab to go out with friends. Call me stingy, but I know that value of $10 on any given trip I have taken, and I know that is half a daily budget toward a memorable day out in a lot of places. The thing that kills me the most is that I know that of all the times I have considered sacrificing my dreams and happiness for another human I have ended up choosing selfishness. And that selfishness has caused me to grow and become exactly who I want to be. 

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12.1.19
I have never felt as strongly about a place as I did about Montenegro. When I look at pictures sometimes my heart breaks a little thinking that I left after such a short time. I think I'm going to feel similarly about Kazakhstan. So in the meantime I'm going to try to soak up all the awesomeness that surrounds me.

23.1.19
If I were sitting on the other side of this decision I would be sitting imagining my life just as it is now. Paradox of choice. We cannot ever have it both ways.

26.1.19
One really nice thing about sober January is that I've just been staying in and waking up and hiking, and still getting home with enough time to relax. The issue is, I'm in need of a night out, and the hiking right now kind of sucks.
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I hope that I never forget this feeling of laying in my bed missing you on a Saturday morning. I reach over and wish you were there and embrace the loneliness that I hope will be ending soon. I want to remember the juxtaposition of satisfaction with my life, and desire for something more.

7.2.19
Juxtaposed between that feeling of wanting to fast forward through the next 6 months of my life, and wanting to savor every single moment of my time here with these people.

8.2.19
I had a really funny moment with my students today when one said that his maid was pregnant. Another then asked her age and he said, "In her 20's." The other one then responded with a, "What! She is practically a teen mom!" I then asked them what age they thought was a good age to have a baby and most of them said 35 or 40. My the times are changing.....

17.2.19
Some nights I spend in, contemplating my life. Some nights I go out and I still end up back here, wondering what the fuck I'm doing.

3.3.19
Can I make the music louder to drown out the emotions?

10.3.19
Sometimes I wonder about all the other alternate lives I'm living in this great vast universe. This must be the best one:)

12.3.19
With every contemplation and realization about what I've agreed to, I start to mourn for the loss of a life I truly love. With each item I painfully fold into my suitcase my brain roams in confusion as I search for the reason why I would choose this. "Struggling with life choices" doesn't even begin to cover it.

13.3.19
And then a song comes on and reminds me that it doesn't matter what barriers stand in the way. I will not do anything to ruin the fact that I get to be with you. Finally.

Songs from 28

Major accomplishments from my 28th year on this planet include finding out I was really in love enough to start planing my future with someone, paying off my student loans, traveling to 8 new countries, revisiting 4 previously explored countries, and falling in love with more than just these 13 songs. These are the winners in another incredible year of cooking in my kitchen, evening writing with a glass of wine, tears of joy and sadness, and sometimes even dancing around my living room. I'm looking forward to the songs of year 29.

February
Dear Chicago, Ryan Adams

I discovered Ryan's Live After Deaf albums and pretty much immersed myself in them and a glass of wine on cold February nights. This song is kind of a love song to Tivat I guess. I was struggling a lot at work and not really feeling in love with my life.

March
Graveclothes- Birdtalker

March was a lot of unknowns and a lot of looking forward to my holiday. Many a sleepless night. This was my happy song. "Don't get lost inside your head."

April
Portland Oregon- Loretta Lynn and Jack White

Lewis said this song reminded him of me. It is a perfect summation of what our time in Tivat was. Drunken gin nights and then running out of time. 

May
26, Caamp

I know I'm 28, but just listening to this song all over Kazakhstan made me so happy about my life.

June
Heirloom- Sufjan Stevens

I wish I could remember just what I was thinking when I fell in love with this song, but I don't. I just know that I was feeling very much in love with life at the moment.

July- I don't have any songs that I fell in love with in July so....

August
August deserves two songs.

House of My Soul- Langhorne Slim

I heard this song for the first time on the way north to go camping and I instantly feel in love with the lyrics.

"You got the hands that I wanna hold

You light the rooms to the house of my soul. Goddamn!"

A Little Honey, Nathaniel Rateliff

I was feeling pretty insecure about life at the end of August. This song's lyrics hit deep as I realized that my confusion was mostly due to lack of communication about what I needed. I can't choose lyrics, because it is seriously all of them. I also don't mind watching Nathaniel shake those hips :)

September
Calvary- Mandolin Orange
My life in September was all about running. I'm pretty sure training for a half marathon saved my sanity. I know there is more to this song than that line, but I just found so much beauty in the melody.
"These days I'm saving my strength for running"

October
Life is confusing- Langhorne Slim
I listened to this song on repeat so much it forced Langhorne Slim into my number 1 listened to artist of 2018 category. Life was confusing.
"Can we be happy for a while? 
Can we just sit here, shut up and smile? 
Been talking for hours.
Forgot what we're saying
Life is confusing and people are insane"

November
My Oh My- The Punch Brothers
I had a lot of trouble choosing for November. I actually fell in love with 4 songs. It was a tough month as I started job applications and interviews, and just started wanting to be anywhere but here. Everyday really is wonderful, so why would I try to look to the next one instead of enjoying the present.

"I see the green grass below
I feel the warmth of the screen
Is it beautiful (maybe not, maybe not)
But maybe so
But if it keeps us singing
My oh my, what a wonderful day
We're having, we're having
Why, oh why, are we looking for a way
Outside it, outside it"

December
Atlantic City- The Kooks
I specifically fell in love with this version of the song. I've heard it before, but never enjoyed it as much as I did dancing around in the kitchen to this version.
"Everything dies, baby, that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies some day comes back"

January
Images- Sleepwalkers
The responsibility of becoming an adult started to hit me hard. I paid off my loans, and started looking toward moving to the same country as my man.
"I couldn't believe it
I couldn't see it coming no
Wish I was younger
Don't want to get any older no
So I'm asking you to stay with me now
Stay with me now
Don't go"

February
Wolves- Mandolin Orange
They came out with a new album. Did you really think it'd be anyone else? Sober January done.
"Everything's so great can't get better, makes me wanna cry
That I'll go out howling at the moon tonight"

Winter Break 2018/2019 and resolutions

15.12.18
It is supposed to rain for almost the entirety of this trip. I'm kind of looking forward to spending countless hours in cafes sipping coffee while I read.
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I say I don't miss Christmas at home, and it's true, but that doesn't mean I don't miss home. The whole idea of Christmas has just changed for me.

16.12.18
Walking home from the watching the Packer game after being thrifty with my money. I put my ear buds in and remember who I am as my favourite song comes on. I am so happy to be me.

17.12.18
I walked past and old folks home near the "artsy" suburb on Hamburg. As I watched one group all eating there dinner together at 5pm, and another playing a game of cards I had to wonder what these homes will look like for my generation. It saddened me to think about how isolated we will all be.

18.12.18
Somewhere along the way you went from being my closest friend to being my boyfriend and that has changed everything.

21.12.18
Don't think I'm not just as jealous of your settled life as you are of my adventures

26.12.18
I just got goosebumps at the thought of seeing you

27.12.18
Dear western Europe,
Let's take a break. You don't have enough cool people for me.
-Me

28.12.18
Soon I won't have to always be waiting to see you. This life we have chosen is so weird and awkward and strangely beautiful.

6.1.19
My heart breaks now when I watch movies where young people in love say goodbye just because of distance. I know it's a big factor, but it is ONE factor.

7.1.19
Some things that changed about me in 2018
1. I would rather travel with someone than travel solo
2. I'd rather have a nice glass of red wine that most beers
3. I love the love of teaching
4. I became debt free
5. I started running again

New Years Resolutions:
1. Find the love of teaching again
2. Live in the same place as him
3. Less screen time at home and put my phone away when I'm out
4. Less Drinking
5. Try new recipes/ learn to cook meat
6. Play my guitar more
7. Now that I'm out of debt, start saving (15 grand by the end of the year)
8. More running, another half marathon, more races
9. Write more for myself and record these incredible experiences and feelings
10. Minimize the things I have and don't buy any more worthless stuff.

Christmas 2018

I'm not quite sure how to talk about this year because I feel confused. In some ways I feel like there has been a lot of experience and growth, and in other cases I feel stuck. Stuck because the path to what I want is so clear. Clear that is, until I decide I don't want it.

So last year I spent Christmas in southern Spain, and New Year in Portugal. It was one of the best New Years of my life as I got to to spend it with interesting people from all around the world.

I had a tough semester of teaching, and faced many new classrooms challenges which helped me to grow. I honestly miss the tough group of kids I had last year.

In March I FINALLY got to meet up with Lewis in Georgia and we had an amazing 2 weeks of road tripping through Georgia and Armenia. Georgia and Armenia are beautiful countries filled with delicious food and wine. Georgia is becoming a more popular destination, but Armenia still isn't very heard of.

May was filled with a few long weekend, which I took full advantage of by exploring Kazakhstan outside of Almaty. I headed to the freezing(yes in May) capital of Astana, the wonderment of traditional Shymkent, and and got to enjoy the beautiful nature of Charyn Canyon, Lake Kandai, and Kolsai lakes. All made me realize how lucky I am to be living in a country that is so overlooked.

In July Lewis came to visit Almaty for a few days before we headed to Ukraine together. Then I continued my journey, solo, to Romania. I enjoyed my time exploring the little villiages, and eating traditional meat dishes.

Then I headed home for a few weeks to see my family, and watch my best friend get married. It was such a pleasure to be part of her big day.

In October I met Lewis for a week in Italy where I ate my way through pizza, pasta, and gelato.

The new school year has brought new challenges, as it always does, but a few weeks ago we moved into a beautiful new campus where I have a mountain view.

A year ago I was in Spain wishing so much to be someplace else, someplace less alone. The chaos of the last year has left me wanting something I didn't know I'd ever want: settled. I feel like maybe I'm starting to get there. In 2019 I'm looking forward to my final season in Kazakhstan with more nature walks and runs, some travel in Central Asia when work finishes, a trip home for my brother's wedding, and a move to Abu Dhabi to give this whole settled thing a try with a cute guy I know.

Merry Christmas everyone!