I still don't know what I'm doing. Do you love me? Do I love you? I feel like we haven't talked in about a year.
Questions and answers for home:
Q: How are you?
A: I'm fine. (I am totally and completely falling to pieces on the inside.)
Q: How do you feel about moving to Abu Dhabi?
A: It's going to be an adjustment. (I think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life, but I can't tell anyone because it makes me seem like a terrible, selfish girlfriend.)
Q: How was Kazakhstan?
A: It was amazing! I loved it! (It was the best place I have ever lived and I cannot believe I gave up hiking and camping in snow capped mountains for dune bashing in a sandpit.)
Life would be tough, but maybe at the end of the day it would all be worth it. I know that 6 days from now my life is going to change. And it is so fricken underwhelming this time. What. The. Fuck??
August 16th 2019
It's funny because when I'm in the states its the same. A few weeks anywhere and I'm ready to go be happy in the next place.
August 17th 2019
When a little girl from nowhere-land Romania and her 2 year old brother talk you down for a mental breakdown at the airport, you know something is wrong. What am I doing???
August 22nd 2019
Do I just get myself into these situations on purpose? Is it some sort of habit I've gained? Or is it just that taken women are more attractive than single ones? Is it because I let loose and let my guard down and allow people to see me for who I really am? What makes me that girl that one of the only eligible bachelors at the school wants to hang out with? And why is hanging out with him suddenly all that matters?
September 5th 2019
I think I'm still nervous to dive. Or maybe it's just not right?
September 6th 2019
I hate you right now. Hate you for claiming to know anything about me. I hate you for saying you'd always build me up when all I feel is that you are hammering away at all that is holding me together.
September 7th 2019
I need to remind myself that it is okay to feel sad and angry about this, but I need to keep trying to pick myself back up off the ground and move forward. I am here for a reason.
September 12th 2019
All I want is to feel anything worthwhile, or totally numb. I suck at this.
September 16th 2019
I'm like a little girl with a crush hoping to see you around every corner.
September 24th 2019
I have absolutely no right to be sobbing right now. But suddenly it all isn't okay.
September 29th 2019
It is amazing how life can totally change in a week. It's time to start blogging about and remembering the happiness of this new beginning. When I look at you I see something totally different from all of the other men I have ever looked at, and I feel this calmness deep in my soul. Now to hold on to these "honeymoon feelings" and not fuck everything up.
October 6th 2019
I'm exhausted and everything hurts. Inside and outside. And yet the way we are doing this and working on this makes me the happiest woman in the world.
October 12th 2019
When you take your eyes off of the game and he is just staring at you and smiling.
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Last night we talked about our number 1 regret in the last year and I wanted to say "moving to Abu Dhabi," but I couldn't because it brought me so much more than I ever thought it could.
October 19th 2019
I used to love being alone and crave alone time when I didn't get it. Now I just want to be with you 24 hours a day.
November 8th 2019
How the fuck did I get here? And yet, this is exactly where I want to be.
November 12th 2019
The worst thing is that we both feel like we are failing each other only because we are stuck here, both equally disliking our lives.
November 20th 2019
I decided I actually am really angry, and I need to work through these emotions. Wasted time, feeling like I was someone who knew nothing about life, and like my passions and dreams didn't matter. I am so much better off now.
December 8th 2019
No time to write. Dreams coming true. Life is somehow both awful and splendid and I can't quite explain it.
4 months later and I still get butterflies when you smile at me, and I'm sure that the same will be true 4 years from now. And probably 40 years from now.
