I don't know what to do with this blog post. So I'm just going to put it here. I will say that I tend to write about the bad rather than the good, and that at the end of this trip I took a good, long, hard, look at my life and what I want next.
16/3/19I am so overly tired that I'm just going to let them roll. I'm trying so fricken hard to not compare this to Indonesia, but I'm struggling already and I have to do this for at least 2 years.
17/3/19I wish I were feeling surprise and happiness at the fact that I get to live here, but I feel a fear churning inside me, because what made me happy today was consumerism and that happiness is temporary. It does not last.
18/3/19I am so scared I'm going to fail at being happy here. It may not seem like I am putting any effort into this, but I am doing everything in my capacity, including inhaling ice cream by the pound and working out like a maniac, and having my music constantly turned up. If you want to find out if I'm really content, just try to take away my music.
-----------------
There is a big danger in living your life 2 years by 2 years.
-----------------
When I look at where I want to go it looks like I am taking 1 huge step forward. Toward security, a relationship, a better career and a real country. But I feel deeply down like I am taking 1000 little steps backwards, to where I hate myself and who I am.
3/4/19
It’s not that I don’t want to move here to be with you. It’s that I know who I am, and I know that find happiness for her there will be near impossible. I know that I am a mountain lover. Falling in love with mountains was the easiest thing I have ever done. I know that I do not like the beach, because finally coming to the conclusion of this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know that I love beer, but that I do NOT love disgusting beer. It’s hard enough to find the disgusting crap there, I don’t think spending 10 dollars on one will be worth it. I know that I love simple pleasures in life, such as catching the sunset while walking, treating myself to a coffee at a place I happen upon when out running errands. And I know none of these experiences can take place in a mall. I know that when push comes to shove I will stay in and be depressed an lonely over spending $10 on a cab to go out with friends. Call me stingy, but I know that value of $10 on any given trip I have taken, and I know that is half a daily budget toward a memorable day out in a lot of places. The thing that kills me the most is that I know that of all the times I have considered sacrificing my dreams and happiness for another human I have ended up choosing selfishness. And that selfishness has caused me to grow and become exactly who I want to be.
