July 18th 2019
I still don't know what I'm doing. Do you love me? Do I love you? I feel like we haven't talked in about a year.
Questions and answers for home:
Q: How are you?
A: I'm fine. (I am totally and completely falling to pieces on the inside.)
Q: How do you feel about moving to Abu Dhabi?
A: It's going to be an adjustment. (I think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life, but I can't tell anyone because it makes me seem like a terrible, selfish girlfriend.)
Q: How was Kazakhstan?
A: It was amazing! I loved it! (It was the best place I have ever lived and I cannot believe I gave up hiking and camping in snow capped mountains for dune bashing in a sandpit.)
August 11th 2019
Life would be tough, but maybe at the end of the day it would all be worth it. I know that 6 days from now my life is going to change. And it is so fricken underwhelming this time. What. The. Fuck??
August 16th 2019
It's funny because when I'm in the states its the same. A few weeks anywhere and I'm ready to go be happy in the next place.
August 17th 2019
When a little girl from nowhere-land Romania and her 2 year old brother talk you down for a mental breakdown at the airport, you know something is wrong. What am I doing???
August 22nd 2019
Do I just get myself into these situations on purpose? Is it some sort of habit I've gained? Or is it just that taken women are more attractive than single ones? Is it because I let loose and let my guard down and allow people to see me for who I really am? What makes me that girl that one of the only eligible bachelors at the school wants to hang out with? And why is hanging out with him suddenly all that matters?
September 5th 2019
I think I'm still nervous to dive. Or maybe it's just not right?
September 6th 2019
I hate you right now. Hate you for claiming to know anything about me. I hate you for saying you'd always build me up when all I feel is that you are hammering away at all that is holding me together.
September 7th 2019
I need to remind myself that it is okay to feel sad and angry about this, but I need to keep trying to pick myself back up off the ground and move forward. I am here for a reason.
September 12th 2019
All I want is to feel anything worthwhile, or totally numb. I suck at this.
September 16th 2019
I'm like a little girl with a crush hoping to see you around every corner.
September 24th 2019
I have absolutely no right to be sobbing right now. But suddenly it all isn't okay.
September 29th 2019
It is amazing how life can totally change in a week. It's time to start blogging about and remembering the happiness of this new beginning. When I look at you I see something totally different from all of the other men I have ever looked at, and I feel this calmness deep in my soul. Now to hold on to these "honeymoon feelings" and not fuck everything up.
October 6th 2019
I'm exhausted and everything hurts. Inside and outside. And yet the way we are doing this and working on this makes me the happiest woman in the world.
October 12th 2019
When you take your eyes off of the game and he is just staring at you and smiling.
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Last night we talked about our number 1 regret in the last year and I wanted to say "moving to Abu Dhabi," but I couldn't because it brought me so much more than I ever thought it could.
October 19th 2019
I used to love being alone and crave alone time when I didn't get it. Now I just want to be with you 24 hours a day.
November 8th 2019
How the fuck did I get here? And yet, this is exactly where I want to be.
November 12th 2019
The worst thing is that we both feel like we are failing each other only because we are stuck here, both equally disliking our lives.
November 20th 2019
I decided I actually am really angry, and I need to work through these emotions. Wasted time, feeling like I was someone who knew nothing about life, and like my passions and dreams didn't matter. I am so much better off now.
December 8th 2019
No time to write. Dreams coming true. Life is somehow both awful and splendid and I can't quite explain it.
December 9th, 2019
4 months later and I still get butterflies when you smile at me, and I'm sure that the same will be true 4 years from now. And probably 40 years from now.
"There are outlaw maps that lead to outlaw treasure and I love those maps especially."- Tom Robbins
Thursday, December 12, 2019
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Thankful 2019
#10: Germany Christmas markets- I love when you are all alone in a crowd and completely okay with just people watching, enjoying some live music and sipping on a delicious drink.
#9: Saying goodbye to Frotzey- My 16 year old puppy went to puppy heaven. It was very emotional, but I am so grateful I got to be there to experience her release of pain after watching her deteriorate every time I journeyed home.
#8:And then he kissed me like I'd never been kissed before-After what had seemed like ages of resisting the obvious, I finally got to let down my guard.
#7: Iloe hugging me for the first time in the summer- Watching his face light up as he ran into my arms convinced me that I need to continue to make trips home.
#6: First Desert Camping Trip- These are my people! This may not be my place, but I realized that I CAN pull this shit off for another 18 months.
#5: Daryn and Jenny's Wedding- Witnessing real love and family makes me so happy and thankful for what I came from.
#4:Tajikistan!- All around the best experience of my life. So many little moments of joy and friendship stacked on top of each other. Mountains, great stories, vodka, and good company to top it off.
#3:Final Camping trip in Kazakhstan- Disgustingly rainy, and yet the perfect end to my time in Kazakhstan. A night with friends drinking beer around a campfire.
#2:Tengri Ultra- What a tough experience. This weekend of supporting fellow runners and having my friends support me through my toughest run yet, was totally worth every blister. I had such a blast camping, experiencing the local culture, and forcing myself through every step, to experience the diverse beauty of Kazakhstan.
#1: Girls night
A few beers deep at "girls night" I went to use the bathroom and sat contemplating so many things in my mind. I walked out of the bathroom and just said the words I was thinking directly out loud. The discussion that followed set me on a path to change my circumstances and realize that I was missing so many of the things I wanted in my relationship.
#9: Saying goodbye to Frotzey- My 16 year old puppy went to puppy heaven. It was very emotional, but I am so grateful I got to be there to experience her release of pain after watching her deteriorate every time I journeyed home.
#8:And then he kissed me like I'd never been kissed before-After what had seemed like ages of resisting the obvious, I finally got to let down my guard.
#7: Iloe hugging me for the first time in the summer- Watching his face light up as he ran into my arms convinced me that I need to continue to make trips home.
#6: First Desert Camping Trip- These are my people! This may not be my place, but I realized that I CAN pull this shit off for another 18 months.
#4:Tajikistan!- All around the best experience of my life. So many little moments of joy and friendship stacked on top of each other. Mountains, great stories, vodka, and good company to top it off.
#3:Final Camping trip in Kazakhstan- Disgustingly rainy, and yet the perfect end to my time in Kazakhstan. A night with friends drinking beer around a campfire.
#2:Tengri Ultra- What a tough experience. This weekend of supporting fellow runners and having my friends support me through my toughest run yet, was totally worth every blister. I had such a blast camping, experiencing the local culture, and forcing myself through every step, to experience the diverse beauty of Kazakhstan.
#1: Girls night
A few beers deep at "girls night" I went to use the bathroom and sat contemplating so many things in my mind. I walked out of the bathroom and just said the words I was thinking directly out loud. The discussion that followed set me on a path to change my circumstances and realize that I was missing so many of the things I wanted in my relationship.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Madness of Marmots Part 3- The Pamir Highway
Day 10: Langar- Alichur
Today was a long day. We woke up expecting to drive, complete a difficult height to our highest place yet, and then to meet our drive and continue onward. The first part of the morning went fine and I reached highest point of hiking yet: about 4,600 meters. It was a bit difficult to breathe and we didn't enjoy the hike much, but I felt accomplished. We got to see lots of Marmots! We also drove to see a beautiful lake.
Then the chaos started. We arrived where we were supposed to meet our driver, however he was not there. We waited for awhile and continued to try to get signal in any of our phones, but to no avail. We suggested driving to the next city where we might get signal, however as it turned out our driver did not have enough diesel, and there was no diesel available in the next town. At this point we were slightly out of water and all saving our last 250ml for emergencies only. All means of contact were attempted, and we even tried the "throw the brick phone in the air" method. As we waited we began to feel like we had wasted our water in the morning hydrating before attempting our hike. We tried to come up with plans: hitchhiking, walking, but realistically we had seen very few cars and still had to go 30km.
Eventually we managed to get reception and found out our driver was still not coming, however, we were able to get to the next city with our driver being promised some form of diesel to make sure he got home.
In the town we found very little water, and worried again about if we had enough. After looking at some Yaks we walked back to the homestay and found a well where we planned to purify water in the morning. We ate a delicious dinner of lagman(spaghetti soup), and had some tea and vodka in an attempt to hydrate once again. We met a very nice older Italian man who was traveling around on a motorbike and he joined us for a drink. Once it was dark we went out for a bit to look at the stars, but it was quite cold now that we were so high up, and I was tired from the day of confusion so I passed out pretty quickly.
Day 11: Aichur- Murgab
Happy 4th of July America! I managed to find a beer to have with dinner and that put me at a whopping 4 beers for the entirety of this trip. We spent most of our morning sitting around and waiting for Omur to return to us. We had a lot of tea, I finished my book, we hung in the yurt, we filtered water, and edited photos. The best part was just watching the local life and playing with the 4 girls from the family.
Eventually we determined it was time to pack and relax. At one point I heard a loud squeal and was overjoyed to run outside and find out Omurbek had arrived! We still weren't exactly sure what happened with the police, but he showed us his new official Tajik document. I feel like in any other country we would have been stuck in shitty Khorog for an entire week, but people were so kind in accommodating us and making sure we were able to continue our journey. After making sure we were well fed with lunch we began our trip to Murgab. Along the way we saw Marco Polo sheep and Omur was so happy to be back with us that he went off road to make sure we could see them closely and attempt to take pictures. I asked if he could show us snow leopards, and of course he managed to find a statue just to make a joke about it.
Once in the city we went for a quick detour to the police, and you'll never guess what was outside....A Lenny! On our short walk we headed to the market to try to look for a present for Omur to lift his spirits. We checked several shops and eventually landed on a stuffed Marco Polo sheep as a present. We also managed to walk all the way to the far away market to get me a beer and ice cream to celebrate the holiday.
At dinner, talk turned to my move to the desert and my hatred of sand. I was laughing/ crying when I wholeheartedly said "I'm going to die in the desert." After 1 beer and 1 vodka at 3,500 meters I was a bit tipsy and honestly ready for bed.
Day 12- Murgab- Lenin Peak Base Camp
Today was an insanely long day of driving with a bit of hiking in the morning. We had to make a decision about which hike to do: The one through the beautiful valley that was filled with wild animals, or the one to just about 5,000 meters. It was decided that we preferred to enjoy the beauty of the country rather than tick a box on out lists.
After driving through a gorgeous valley we ended up in a small yurt village filled with yaks, donkeys, and cute kids. We began walking up with no real intention other than to get our legs moving and take some pictures. Then we looked up and decided on a goal: touch the snow. We meandered around rocks and water and could not get over the beauty of the pinks and tans in these mountains.
Once we reached the snow we had our morning chocolate, and tried to go faster on the way down to make up time, but we just had to keep stopping to take pictures. After being welcomed in to see the inside of the yurt we took off again to continue our journey to the highest pass on the highway: 4,655 meters. As we got out of the car we noticed that it was snowing, and freezing! We took a quick selfie and continued on our way.
The drive continued along the Chinese border and we kept joking about just hopping across one of the areas where there was a gap in the wall. We stopped for a quick lunch of soup near Karakul Lake. While we waited for our meal the children of the house played hide and seek with us and kept squealing with delight as they ran away. On our way to the border we continued to see marmots running all around. The border control joked around with us about how beautiful we were and we ran into our German friend from the very start of our journey in the Fann mountains. As we continued our drive it seemed we were in the clouds.
Eventually we reached a point where we were able to view Peak Lenin through some clouds. After a long drive along, hoping the clouds would part ways so we could get a better view, we arrived at the yurt camp and stuffed our faces with salty food and tea while the fire did it's job to heat up the yurt. It was still sort of snowing and definitely freezing. After eating we very quickly crawled into our warm beds in the yurt to try and get some sleep before our hike to Lenin Peak Base Camp.
Day 13- Lenin Peak Base Camp- Osh
We woke up with the intention of seeing Lenin Peak, but it seemed like Lenny just wanted to hide away for the day. The walk to base camp was relatively easy with only a few minor inclined bits. We saw many marmots and started guessing about what their name as a group would be. Continually stopping to remove and add layers was a bit annoying. Once back down, we packed up and went into the village for some lunch and wifi. Quickly discovering that a group of marmots is called a madness, we switch our name from "Vodka drinking girls" to "Madness of Marmots". We continued our journey through more beauty and gradually got warmer and warmer. Once in Osh I said goodbye to the best driver ever and did some sink laundry and took my first shower in 5 days. I met the girls for burgers and pizza. Then I did a quick evening walk to find the Lenny and headed straight to bed to prep for my early morning journey to Uzbekistan.
Today was a long day. We woke up expecting to drive, complete a difficult height to our highest place yet, and then to meet our drive and continue onward. The first part of the morning went fine and I reached highest point of hiking yet: about 4,600 meters. It was a bit difficult to breathe and we didn't enjoy the hike much, but I felt accomplished. We got to see lots of Marmots! We also drove to see a beautiful lake.
Then the chaos started. We arrived where we were supposed to meet our driver, however he was not there. We waited for awhile and continued to try to get signal in any of our phones, but to no avail. We suggested driving to the next city where we might get signal, however as it turned out our driver did not have enough diesel, and there was no diesel available in the next town. At this point we were slightly out of water and all saving our last 250ml for emergencies only. All means of contact were attempted, and we even tried the "throw the brick phone in the air" method. As we waited we began to feel like we had wasted our water in the morning hydrating before attempting our hike. We tried to come up with plans: hitchhiking, walking, but realistically we had seen very few cars and still had to go 30km.
Eventually we managed to get reception and found out our driver was still not coming, however, we were able to get to the next city with our driver being promised some form of diesel to make sure he got home.
In the town we found very little water, and worried again about if we had enough. After looking at some Yaks we walked back to the homestay and found a well where we planned to purify water in the morning. We ate a delicious dinner of lagman(spaghetti soup), and had some tea and vodka in an attempt to hydrate once again. We met a very nice older Italian man who was traveling around on a motorbike and he joined us for a drink. Once it was dark we went out for a bit to look at the stars, but it was quite cold now that we were so high up, and I was tired from the day of confusion so I passed out pretty quickly.
Day 11: Aichur- Murgab
Happy 4th of July America! I managed to find a beer to have with dinner and that put me at a whopping 4 beers for the entirety of this trip. We spent most of our morning sitting around and waiting for Omur to return to us. We had a lot of tea, I finished my book, we hung in the yurt, we filtered water, and edited photos. The best part was just watching the local life and playing with the 4 girls from the family.
Eventually we determined it was time to pack and relax. At one point I heard a loud squeal and was overjoyed to run outside and find out Omurbek had arrived! We still weren't exactly sure what happened with the police, but he showed us his new official Tajik document. I feel like in any other country we would have been stuck in shitty Khorog for an entire week, but people were so kind in accommodating us and making sure we were able to continue our journey. After making sure we were well fed with lunch we began our trip to Murgab. Along the way we saw Marco Polo sheep and Omur was so happy to be back with us that he went off road to make sure we could see them closely and attempt to take pictures. I asked if he could show us snow leopards, and of course he managed to find a statue just to make a joke about it.
Once in the city we went for a quick detour to the police, and you'll never guess what was outside....A Lenny! On our short walk we headed to the market to try to look for a present for Omur to lift his spirits. We checked several shops and eventually landed on a stuffed Marco Polo sheep as a present. We also managed to walk all the way to the far away market to get me a beer and ice cream to celebrate the holiday.
At dinner, talk turned to my move to the desert and my hatred of sand. I was laughing/ crying when I wholeheartedly said "I'm going to die in the desert." After 1 beer and 1 vodka at 3,500 meters I was a bit tipsy and honestly ready for bed.
Day 12- Murgab- Lenin Peak Base Camp
Today was an insanely long day of driving with a bit of hiking in the morning. We had to make a decision about which hike to do: The one through the beautiful valley that was filled with wild animals, or the one to just about 5,000 meters. It was decided that we preferred to enjoy the beauty of the country rather than tick a box on out lists.
After driving through a gorgeous valley we ended up in a small yurt village filled with yaks, donkeys, and cute kids. We began walking up with no real intention other than to get our legs moving and take some pictures. Then we looked up and decided on a goal: touch the snow. We meandered around rocks and water and could not get over the beauty of the pinks and tans in these mountains.
Once we reached the snow we had our morning chocolate, and tried to go faster on the way down to make up time, but we just had to keep stopping to take pictures. After being welcomed in to see the inside of the yurt we took off again to continue our journey to the highest pass on the highway: 4,655 meters. As we got out of the car we noticed that it was snowing, and freezing! We took a quick selfie and continued on our way.
The drive continued along the Chinese border and we kept joking about just hopping across one of the areas where there was a gap in the wall. We stopped for a quick lunch of soup near Karakul Lake. While we waited for our meal the children of the house played hide and seek with us and kept squealing with delight as they ran away. On our way to the border we continued to see marmots running all around. The border control joked around with us about how beautiful we were and we ran into our German friend from the very start of our journey in the Fann mountains. As we continued our drive it seemed we were in the clouds.
Eventually we reached a point where we were able to view Peak Lenin through some clouds. After a long drive along, hoping the clouds would part ways so we could get a better view, we arrived at the yurt camp and stuffed our faces with salty food and tea while the fire did it's job to heat up the yurt. It was still sort of snowing and definitely freezing. After eating we very quickly crawled into our warm beds in the yurt to try and get some sleep before our hike to Lenin Peak Base Camp.
Day 13- Lenin Peak Base Camp- Osh
We woke up with the intention of seeing Lenin Peak, but it seemed like Lenny just wanted to hide away for the day. The walk to base camp was relatively easy with only a few minor inclined bits. We saw many marmots and started guessing about what their name as a group would be. Continually stopping to remove and add layers was a bit annoying. Once back down, we packed up and went into the village for some lunch and wifi. Quickly discovering that a group of marmots is called a madness, we switch our name from "Vodka drinking girls" to "Madness of Marmots". We continued our journey through more beauty and gradually got warmer and warmer. Once in Osh I said goodbye to the best driver ever and did some sink laundry and took my first shower in 5 days. I met the girls for burgers and pizza. Then I did a quick evening walk to find the Lenny and headed straight to bed to prep for my early morning journey to Uzbekistan.
Friday, August 23, 2019
Madness of Marmots Part 2: The Wakhan Valley
Day 6: Dushanbe- Hulbuk Palace- Darvoz
"Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life." - Omar Khayyam
We spend most of our day in the car admiring our first views of the Afghanistan boarder, and wishing we could hop over just for a little while. The views were constantly changing and we had to keep awake in order to constantly be taking pictures. Since we were so ridiculously hot we could not imagine how it could possibly be cold in the mountains when we arrived there. Hinta and I kept turning around to air out our soaked through bums. We even had to turn on the AC for a bit.
Around lunchtime we stopped at a palace that was part of the original silk road and our tour guide gave us a very hysterical tour. He started by showing us artifacts and making us stand with strange poses. It was a good laugh and a good break from the car. Afterwards we had a quick cheap lunch and some watermelon, but it was too hot to be truly enjoyable.
I listened to some music for the rest of the journey and it reminded me about how in love I am with my life and the world around me at the current moment. All in all it was a good day even though we were in the car.
When we arrived in Darvoz we were thoroughly greeted by the people in charge of our guesthouse. Standing on the balcony overlooking the river I was able to look down and see to Afghanistan. We went for a walk in the village and took our cameras to take photos. We were greeted by kids running along shouting "Hello!" and we watched them play in muddy water. For one brief second I thought about how I would really like my own children to grow up with this simplicity, and I stopped to admire the local school. I guess I will just have to try my best to expose them to this life as best as I can.
After a very filling dinner of soup, the best plov I've had, fruit, vodka, and tea we were ready for an early bed and most of us decided to skip the shower.
Day 7: Darvoz- Jizeu Valley
/I officially don't know how I am going to do with settled life. I have a lot of other dreams I still need to live out./
After coffee and breakfast we left decently early knowing we had a long drive followed by a hike to our homestay. However Laura had forgotten her phone, and lucky for us, because when we returned the man informed us that the boarder market was open. This meant that we would be going to "no man's land" to shop between Tajikistan and Afghanistan. The Afghani people walk across a bridge and are allowed to enter to sell goods to the Tajik people and tourists. We were nervous about taking pictures, but we did manage to buy a scarf each, and Laura got a pair of earrings. The women were very adamant about her wearing them right away.
After some time admiring the Afghan road on the other side and pointing out people on motor bikes or others walking and wondering where they were going, we arrived at a lunch spot and ate....you guessed it, more plov!
When we finally arrive in Jizeu valley we were a bit worried about hiking to the village before dark and before the rain hit, but we set off anyway. A few kilometers in we met a couple and they said "It just keeps getting more beautiful," which we decided should become the slogan of Tajikistan. Elka was having some tummy issues and fell behind for awhile, but a nice man offered us some ginger cookies and sweets.
We were relieved when we finally made it to the village, but it turns out that we were stating in the second village which was another 2 kilometers away. As we started on our way again it started to rain, so we stopped to put on our rain gear. It was still beautiful, and Hinta and I decided to sing to make the time pass more quickly.
When we finally did arrive it was a bit difficult because they did not know we were coming, but we had a simple meal of rice milk, porridge, and bread with amazing homemade winter berry jam. We quickly fell in love with our favorite chocolate treat: Step bars (which are similar to a snickers). After being stuffed full and finishing several pots of tea we headed to sleep on some mats on the floor. Elka joked that we had forgotten to ask for the wifi.
/ Trajectories of life in no particular order
#1: The Traveler- We are madly in love. We live a simple life out of our backpacks. We travel around in between odd jobs working on farms and teaching english. We roam together forever.
#2: The Teacher- We both teach and move together every 3-4 years exploring different countries and regions of the world. We have some lovely children that we raise to be global explorers.
#3: The American- I legit move my ass home. I meet a guitar player, we live a simple life out west and spend as much time as we can camping and hiking.
#4: The Ritchie- I meet a rich man, we travel the world extensively on his dime and eventually I settle as a stay at home mom.
And then there is this, and I am so happy that life never works out any of the thousands of ways I plan it to./
Day 8: Jizeu Valley- Khorog
We had an excellent night of sleep and woke up to a beautiful sunny morning. We wandered around the village and saw the animals that they kept. After our breakfast of rice milk and porridge we began our hike to the lake. Luckily, because we had hiked further the previous day this was a shorter hike, however our path was very wet due to the rain from the previous night. Arriving at the lake, we decided this would be a good opportunity to skinny dip, however, it was too cold to really dive in and so we ended up having some snacks instead.
When we arrived back in the village we were greeted with a delicious lunch of potatoes, and what they referred to as salad. It was really just blended up whatever vegetables they could find with some garlic, but it was delicious on top of the buttery potatoes.
Day 8- Khorog
We woke up early for a busy day of postal service, grocery shopping, seeing Lenny, visits to a hot spring, and driving to Langar, however we were quickly backtracked and stuck.
We started with the postcards. The ladies at the post office kindly asked us where each one was heading and wrote the translation of the countries into Russian and sorted them into piles of continents. Then they were trying to explain something about the cost, so thinking I owed more money I ran back to the car to get my wallet. When I tried to hand over more som, they explained to me that actually I had "Menshe". I'd paid too much. "No problem," we explained, hoping this would ensure our postcards would arrive safely anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months later.
Then we grabbed more chocolate and vodka from the shop and stopped in to get some amazing photos of my good friend Lenny.
After our morning of errands we reached a check point and the police made us go to the police station in Khorog to double check all our paperwork. We didn't really think we had a problem and they released us quickly, however they would not let our driver go. Sitting in the car, we munched on chips and chocolate and eventually got out our pocket knives to make cheese and salami sandwiches. One officer was even nice enough to go and get us some freshly baked bread. They came over and tried to explain to us what was happening. "Bad Driver," they kept saying.
"Whats the problem?" I would ask in return. and they kept responding with, "No problem. Everything is fine, but there is a problem with the driver." Okay...."But what is the problem with the driver?" We couldn't get any answers. They tried to get us to pack our items into another car and go with a different driver who spoke Russian, but we were adamant: We would not leave without Omarbek. Eventually the tourist police showed up and this made us feel slightly better. After some discussion, we agreed to go back to the guesthouse and hope that Omar could sort it out that evening.
Trying to make the most of the day we set off for the market and did some stress shopping. Tea cups, bracelets, clothes, and a Tajik hat. Then we walked to a park to cool off with some beer, cool beverages and tea.
He returned later and told us it was not fixed, but that the owner of our guesthouse would be coming to take us to Langar the next morning and he would follow behind us later in the evening. This plan didn't make us the happiest, but we felt like maybe if Omar wasn't stressing about us it would be better. So we agreed, and went to sleep.
Day 9- Khorog- Langar
In the morning we met the owner of our guesthouse and his super duper red-headed son. They didn't speak hardly any English, so we knew we were in for a treat. It was a bit squished and uncomfortable, and the man kept stopping to check and change the tires, but we made it in one piece and were grateful to be out of the disgusting city and back into village life.
We made a brief stop at Bibi Fatima, the nicest hot spring in the area. Women make pilgrimages here in order to ensure fertility in the future. I have to admit that I wasn't very impressed and after 30 minutes of soaking we were reading for a large lunch and a continued journey.
We continued our drive to the Wakhan corridor, where we were able to see from Tajikistan, through Afghanistan, and clear through to Pakistan. It quickly became a dream of mine to travel to both of these countries. Upon arriving in Langar we decided to go for a walk around the village and were pleased with the amazing views of the mountains. Then we had some afternoon tea and relaxation, hoping our driver was a few hours behind us.
After stuffing our faces at dinner, we were told our driver would not be coming this night, but that he would meet us part way through our journey at the meeting of the Pamir Highway and the Afghan border road the following day. We continued to be skeptical of the police, and still felt unsure about the constant change of plans. But, nonetheless we carried on!
"Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life." - Omar Khayyam
We spend most of our day in the car admiring our first views of the Afghanistan boarder, and wishing we could hop over just for a little while. The views were constantly changing and we had to keep awake in order to constantly be taking pictures. Since we were so ridiculously hot we could not imagine how it could possibly be cold in the mountains when we arrived there. Hinta and I kept turning around to air out our soaked through bums. We even had to turn on the AC for a bit.
Around lunchtime we stopped at a palace that was part of the original silk road and our tour guide gave us a very hysterical tour. He started by showing us artifacts and making us stand with strange poses. It was a good laugh and a good break from the car. Afterwards we had a quick cheap lunch and some watermelon, but it was too hot to be truly enjoyable.
I listened to some music for the rest of the journey and it reminded me about how in love I am with my life and the world around me at the current moment. All in all it was a good day even though we were in the car.
When we arrived in Darvoz we were thoroughly greeted by the people in charge of our guesthouse. Standing on the balcony overlooking the river I was able to look down and see to Afghanistan. We went for a walk in the village and took our cameras to take photos. We were greeted by kids running along shouting "Hello!" and we watched them play in muddy water. For one brief second I thought about how I would really like my own children to grow up with this simplicity, and I stopped to admire the local school. I guess I will just have to try my best to expose them to this life as best as I can.
After a very filling dinner of soup, the best plov I've had, fruit, vodka, and tea we were ready for an early bed and most of us decided to skip the shower.
Day 7: Darvoz- Jizeu Valley
/I officially don't know how I am going to do with settled life. I have a lot of other dreams I still need to live out./
After coffee and breakfast we left decently early knowing we had a long drive followed by a hike to our homestay. However Laura had forgotten her phone, and lucky for us, because when we returned the man informed us that the boarder market was open. This meant that we would be going to "no man's land" to shop between Tajikistan and Afghanistan. The Afghani people walk across a bridge and are allowed to enter to sell goods to the Tajik people and tourists. We were nervous about taking pictures, but we did manage to buy a scarf each, and Laura got a pair of earrings. The women were very adamant about her wearing them right away.
After some time admiring the Afghan road on the other side and pointing out people on motor bikes or others walking and wondering where they were going, we arrived at a lunch spot and ate....you guessed it, more plov!
When we finally arrive in Jizeu valley we were a bit worried about hiking to the village before dark and before the rain hit, but we set off anyway. A few kilometers in we met a couple and they said "It just keeps getting more beautiful," which we decided should become the slogan of Tajikistan. Elka was having some tummy issues and fell behind for awhile, but a nice man offered us some ginger cookies and sweets.
We were relieved when we finally made it to the village, but it turns out that we were stating in the second village which was another 2 kilometers away. As we started on our way again it started to rain, so we stopped to put on our rain gear. It was still beautiful, and Hinta and I decided to sing to make the time pass more quickly.
When we finally did arrive it was a bit difficult because they did not know we were coming, but we had a simple meal of rice milk, porridge, and bread with amazing homemade winter berry jam. We quickly fell in love with our favorite chocolate treat: Step bars (which are similar to a snickers). After being stuffed full and finishing several pots of tea we headed to sleep on some mats on the floor. Elka joked that we had forgotten to ask for the wifi.
/ Trajectories of life in no particular order
#1: The Traveler- We are madly in love. We live a simple life out of our backpacks. We travel around in between odd jobs working on farms and teaching english. We roam together forever.
#2: The Teacher- We both teach and move together every 3-4 years exploring different countries and regions of the world. We have some lovely children that we raise to be global explorers.
#3: The American- I legit move my ass home. I meet a guitar player, we live a simple life out west and spend as much time as we can camping and hiking.
#4: The Ritchie- I meet a rich man, we travel the world extensively on his dime and eventually I settle as a stay at home mom.
And then there is this, and I am so happy that life never works out any of the thousands of ways I plan it to./
Day 8: Jizeu Valley- Khorog
We had an excellent night of sleep and woke up to a beautiful sunny morning. We wandered around the village and saw the animals that they kept. After our breakfast of rice milk and porridge we began our hike to the lake. Luckily, because we had hiked further the previous day this was a shorter hike, however our path was very wet due to the rain from the previous night. Arriving at the lake, we decided this would be a good opportunity to skinny dip, however, it was too cold to really dive in and so we ended up having some snacks instead.
When we arrived back in the village we were greeted with a delicious lunch of potatoes, and what they referred to as salad. It was really just blended up whatever vegetables they could find with some garlic, but it was delicious on top of the buttery potatoes.
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| Same Same, but Different |
The man from the guest house hiked us back out, and it seemed like a long journey, but we were greeted by our driver and a fairly short car ride to Khorog. We took a brief walk through the city, but their wasn't much to see. For dinner we had more potatoes with carrots and chicken, and I indulged in a beer.
Day 8- Khorog
We woke up early for a busy day of postal service, grocery shopping, seeing Lenny, visits to a hot spring, and driving to Langar, however we were quickly backtracked and stuck.
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| postcards |
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| Essentials: Chocolate and Vodka! |
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| Lenny! |
"Whats the problem?" I would ask in return. and they kept responding with, "No problem. Everything is fine, but there is a problem with the driver." Okay...."But what is the problem with the driver?" We couldn't get any answers. They tried to get us to pack our items into another car and go with a different driver who spoke Russian, but we were adamant: We would not leave without Omarbek. Eventually the tourist police showed up and this made us feel slightly better. After some discussion, we agreed to go back to the guesthouse and hope that Omar could sort it out that evening.
Trying to make the most of the day we set off for the market and did some stress shopping. Tea cups, bracelets, clothes, and a Tajik hat. Then we walked to a park to cool off with some beer, cool beverages and tea.
He returned later and told us it was not fixed, but that the owner of our guesthouse would be coming to take us to Langar the next morning and he would follow behind us later in the evening. This plan didn't make us the happiest, but we felt like maybe if Omar wasn't stressing about us it would be better. So we agreed, and went to sleep.
Day 9- Khorog- Langar
In the morning we met the owner of our guesthouse and his super duper red-headed son. They didn't speak hardly any English, so we knew we were in for a treat. It was a bit squished and uncomfortable, and the man kept stopping to check and change the tires, but we made it in one piece and were grateful to be out of the disgusting city and back into village life.
We made a brief stop at Bibi Fatima, the nicest hot spring in the area. Women make pilgrimages here in order to ensure fertility in the future. I have to admit that I wasn't very impressed and after 30 minutes of soaking we were reading for a large lunch and a continued journey.
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| See that mountain in the distance? Yep...that's Pakistan! |
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| Langar |
After stuffing our faces at dinner, we were told our driver would not be coming this night, but that he would meet us part way through our journey at the meeting of the Pamir Highway and the Afghan border road the following day. We continued to be skeptical of the police, and still felt unsure about the constant change of plans. But, nonetheless we carried on!
Saturday, August 10, 2019
Madness of Marmots part 1- Tajikistan, Fann Mountains
I have been putting off sitting down to write this blog for some time now because I'm not sure how I can possibly wrap up the emotions I felt and dealt with on this trip, nor the beauty of the landscapes and people of this truly enchanting country. But it's now been an entire month and I know that in order to maintain the memories I need to write something. ANYTHING! So I'm going to try to combine the notes about what we did each day from my journal with my random emotional bittersweetness of the journey, and add in a few major pictures to hopefully get any of you attached enough to consider visiting what easily jumped to the top of my list of favorite countries.
After a really good night of sleep we woke up feeling slightly better tummy-wise and were up for a bigger, better hike. Throughout the drive I became more aquatinted with the "Vodka Drinking Girls" crew and the views continued to be more spectacular. However I still missed my friends and wished they were with me.
We drove back across the lake and were met with a far more beautiful view because the sun was out. We continued to several little villages where we were met with children running out to the side of the road to wave and scream "hello!" at us. The Almaty Girls game of calling out animals we saw for points was reinstated, but very quickly the point system seemed wrong because there were far too many donkeys and far fewer horses.
After Arriving in Artush we began our ascent to Kaulikalon Lake, however the usual road was a bit washed out, so our initial trail was unclear. Eventually we caught up with the real gravel and rocky trail, which was the first true test of our ability to gain vertical meters. When we reached the first major viewpoint we stopped to filter some water, take some photos, and have a quick snack. Then we continued on an easier, but still difficult path, before reaching the lake, where we dipped our toes (or whole bodies for some of us) in, and then began our descent. Soon after beginning the more difficult portion of the trail I slipped and injured my already injured knee a bit more. After a short break I was able to continue through the minor pain. We were constantly coaxed in for tea, and one lovely woman gladly traded scarves with Laura. Arriving back to our starting point we were quickly offered a dinner of the local dish (meat, potatoes, and carrots), sank our shots of vodka, and passed out. By this point my tummy was feeling much more normal.
Day 4: Artush Village- Seven Lakes- Penjikent
/I heard a song that I know belongs to us, but I grew quickly angry because this trip is supposed to belong to me./
We woke up to a cool morning, and headed outside to do yoga while admiring the mountains. Our trip took us backward, through similar but different looking views, and we finally saw some bikers along the road. We drove through the Seven Lakes, admiring the views of each one's different aquamarine color, while trying to take pictures from whichever side of the car had the best view at that particular moment.
After some splendid driving by Omerbek(our driver) we reached the top where we had a watermelon and chip picnic while wandering around and having a look at village life. We found that the people in this area were less inviting and the women remained fully covered and did not want their pictures taken. Many cute children and donkeys were seen, but there was one little girls I was particularly interested in. I gave her a slice of watermelon and followed her back to her mom who was working in a field.
On the way back down we took few pictures and had some low key time to ourselves. The hashtag #relievednottobebiking was born as we watched a couple of bikers struggle even at the start of the hill.
Penjikent was a hot "surprise" in comparison to the coolness of the mountain. We grabbed some fruit and veggies from the market and left with more scarves than we came with. On the way back I grabbed an ice cream knowing it might be my last chance to enjoy one for awhile. After completing some sink laundry we sat on the balcony and sipped vodka while watching the sunset.
Day 5: Penjikent- Dushanbe (Sioma Valley Hike?)
We started out the morning with some eggs and then began the long journey back to Dushanbe. We stopped in Sioma Valley for a hike along a rushing river. It was gorgeous, but my legs were just not up to the gravel covered downhill after the previous day's slip, so after about 45 minutes most of us turned around to find a nice tree to relax under, while Elka continued the journey.
Pretty soon after we stopped a shepard came and offered us tea. We debated whether this was a safe move, but after being offered so many times we decided that this was a cultural experience 3 girls together could enjoy. Before long he was leading us to a tent in the middle of the mountains, surrounded by goats and a few dogs. The man kept trying to speak Russian to me, and then when I would pretend to understand and say something back he would laugh and make a comment about how terrible I was at the language. This joke went on, over and over again. While enjoying our tea I admired the simplicity of the life these 2 men lived.
We continued our hike out, and had some snacks while waiting for Elka. I was also able to sit on a donkey!
Once back in Dushanbe we stopped for more groceries and went to the Hyatt to get some beautiful postcards and stamps. I bought the group matching friendship bracelets. Arriving at the hotel we all soaked in the Wifi, showers, and opportunity to do more laundry before our trip along the Pamir Highway began.
Day 1: Dushanbe
/I do not know what I have gotten myself into, but maybe some time without anything to worry about but travel with be good for me. I already miss my friends and my city./
After checking in I wandered around town and stopped for some Indian cuisine. As my tummy was already not feeling top notch, I'm not sure this was the greatest choice, but it sure was delicious. Funnily enough, on my way out of the restaurant I ran into 2 of the 3 other girls I would be spending the next 2 weeks traveling with. Then I wandered to the city garden to look at some monuments and a really strange man kept following me and trying to talk to me. After saying "I don't understand you, I only speak English" several times in both English and Russian I finally resorted to some very loud, "Please leave me alone," and "Go away!" in a very public area. When he finally started going away he still hid behind a tree for about 10 minutes while I took pictures. I felt weirded out, because this type of thing doesn't usually happen to me, and normally I enjoy being friendly with locals, but the way he was looking at me felt off, and I felt naked to the world even though I was fairly well covered in long pants and a t-shirt.
Eventually I walked back to the hostel and stopped to get a Powerade as my tummy still wasn't feeling great. I went to bed at about 8pm in preparation for the start of our epic travels.
Day 2: Dushanbe- Iskanderkul Lake- Sarytag Village
/My stomach is in utter pain, but I am still having the time of my life. This is a good cleanse from what has become an unhealthy life of eating out, drinking beer, staying up too late, and spending all my time on Netflix and Facebook. I want to travel more this way./
We woke up to eat some breakfast and then met the last member of our group as we packed up the car. We spoke briefly with our driver who quickly took our US dollars to gas up the car and dropped us to the grocery store to stock up on hiking snacks, water, and any only essentials for the next few days.
A little way down the road we got into our snacks and started our daily routine of sharing some morning chocolate. After some hours in the car admiring the views and taking photos we stopped to look at the lake, but were slightly underwhelmed because it was a cloudy day at the lake looked average with a slightly gross grey tinge. We tried to find a hiking trail, but Laura and I were both dealing with tummy issues at this time, and we just wanted to sit and attempt to drink water and eat some snacks.
Our drive continued to Sarytag Village where we were quickly given a private room and some tea. After our quick tea break we had a wander around the nature, and were met with more beautiful views and our first marmot sighting. Turning around we walked through the village and were greeted with many "Hello!"s and children waving. We were allowed to take pictures of the women working in the garden and a few children stopped and posed for us with animals or on their bicycles. Some even offered us a ride!
We ended our evening with a dinner of plov, a small shot of vodka each (for medicinal purposes), and more tea. It was an early bedtime with high hopes of more beautiful sights and improved tummies.
Day 3: Sraytag Village- Artush, Hike to Koulikalon Lake
After a really good night of sleep we woke up feeling slightly better tummy-wise and were up for a bigger, better hike. Throughout the drive I became more aquatinted with the "Vodka Drinking Girls" crew and the views continued to be more spectacular. However I still missed my friends and wished they were with me.
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| Iskanderkul Lake |
We drove back across the lake and were met with a far more beautiful view because the sun was out. We continued to several little villages where we were met with children running out to the side of the road to wave and scream "hello!" at us. The Almaty Girls game of calling out animals we saw for points was reinstated, but very quickly the point system seemed wrong because there were far too many donkeys and far fewer horses.
After Arriving in Artush we began our ascent to Kaulikalon Lake, however the usual road was a bit washed out, so our initial trail was unclear. Eventually we caught up with the real gravel and rocky trail, which was the first true test of our ability to gain vertical meters. When we reached the first major viewpoint we stopped to filter some water, take some photos, and have a quick snack. Then we continued on an easier, but still difficult path, before reaching the lake, where we dipped our toes (or whole bodies for some of us) in, and then began our descent. Soon after beginning the more difficult portion of the trail I slipped and injured my already injured knee a bit more. After a short break I was able to continue through the minor pain. We were constantly coaxed in for tea, and one lovely woman gladly traded scarves with Laura. Arriving back to our starting point we were quickly offered a dinner of the local dish (meat, potatoes, and carrots), sank our shots of vodka, and passed out. By this point my tummy was feeling much more normal.
Day 4: Artush Village- Seven Lakes- Penjikent
/I heard a song that I know belongs to us, but I grew quickly angry because this trip is supposed to belong to me./
We woke up to a cool morning, and headed outside to do yoga while admiring the mountains. Our trip took us backward, through similar but different looking views, and we finally saw some bikers along the road. We drove through the Seven Lakes, admiring the views of each one's different aquamarine color, while trying to take pictures from whichever side of the car had the best view at that particular moment.
![]() |
| The first of the Seven Lakes |
After some splendid driving by Omerbek(our driver) we reached the top where we had a watermelon and chip picnic while wandering around and having a look at village life. We found that the people in this area were less inviting and the women remained fully covered and did not want their pictures taken. Many cute children and donkeys were seen, but there was one little girls I was particularly interested in. I gave her a slice of watermelon and followed her back to her mom who was working in a field.
On the way back down we took few pictures and had some low key time to ourselves. The hashtag #relievednottobebiking was born as we watched a couple of bikers struggle even at the start of the hill.
Penjikent was a hot "surprise" in comparison to the coolness of the mountain. We grabbed some fruit and veggies from the market and left with more scarves than we came with. On the way back I grabbed an ice cream knowing it might be my last chance to enjoy one for awhile. After completing some sink laundry we sat on the balcony and sipped vodka while watching the sunset.
Day 5: Penjikent- Dushanbe (Sioma Valley Hike?)
We started out the morning with some eggs and then began the long journey back to Dushanbe. We stopped in Sioma Valley for a hike along a rushing river. It was gorgeous, but my legs were just not up to the gravel covered downhill after the previous day's slip, so after about 45 minutes most of us turned around to find a nice tree to relax under, while Elka continued the journey.
Pretty soon after we stopped a shepard came and offered us tea. We debated whether this was a safe move, but after being offered so many times we decided that this was a cultural experience 3 girls together could enjoy. Before long he was leading us to a tent in the middle of the mountains, surrounded by goats and a few dogs. The man kept trying to speak Russian to me, and then when I would pretend to understand and say something back he would laugh and make a comment about how terrible I was at the language. This joke went on, over and over again. While enjoying our tea I admired the simplicity of the life these 2 men lived.
![]() |
| Tea Break |
Once back in Dushanbe we stopped for more groceries and went to the Hyatt to get some beautiful postcards and stamps. I bought the group matching friendship bracelets. Arriving at the hotel we all soaked in the Wifi, showers, and opportunity to do more laundry before our trip along the Pamir Highway began.
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| Vodka Drinking Girls! |
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Untitled 8
8/4/19
"Such a struggle, hardship and risk and for what? Fifteen minutes on top with a pleasant summit picture and view if the weather is kind. That's the physical reality, for some, but I say it flippantly because it is not how I see it. Mountains do more than that. They liberate the soul and they free the mind from the chaos of life. They allow the imagination to escape and enable the body the chance to express itself in the natural world. Mountains are so simple and yet running through them is a complex and beautiful tapestry, woven together to allow humans to test the core of their spirit to its limits."
24.4.19
I'm getting tired of always asking myself why. There has been no indication of the answer. In fact all statements make me think truth exists on the opposition.
27.4.19
I went back and read my old blog, my first ever blog, about running. I was such a clever and smart girl back then. I wonder where that self-confidence went.
1.5.19
I feel like every time I start to find my vibe somewhere, and really start to find my people and places, I'm getting ready to leave.
4.5.19
As I enter my apartment I wish I am someone else. Someone free of the limitations I am currently putting on myself for no apparent reason.
7.5.19
They say you can always go home again. But as an expat I have learned that that statement is false. Home consists largely of the people you surround yourself with, and there is no guarantee that if you "go home" 2 or 5 years later they will still be there. And even if they are they will not be the same person as when you left. And neither will you. The goal is to find someone you can trust enough to adapt simultaneously with you and build your ever changing home, together.
8.5.19
If the world could just get its timing right for once that'd be really great....
9.5.19
The best dreams are yet to come.
17.5.19
I thought I knew who I was, and that meant I was finally ready to settle, but as it turns out I am still figuring myself out, and the real challenge is finding someone who will accept all those changes as they come. Are you ready?
18.5.19
I thought I was feeling sad about leaving weeks ago, but it turns out I'm actually devastated I'm leaving, and it hit me today, and now I'm sobbing in my apartment. Is this the beginning of the lasts?
25.5.19
Halfway to forever.
2.6.19
What is meant to be will always find a way to be. Kazakhstan was meant to by my home away from home and this friendship was meant to be just like this. At least for now.
11.6.19
Once you put words out in the world they are there to stay. I said them , and I meant them with all my heart, but the next words need to be goodbye.
18.6.19
Stressed. Not sure when the emotions will come, but I hope it's when I'm alone at home and not when I'm out in a large group of people.
19.6.19
I think it is very scary that not one single person knows all the sides of what is happening in my life at the moment. Tid-bits.
20.6.19
Once there was a girl who thought she was living her life filled to the brim. Then she moved and met amazing friends who showed her just how good life could be. And she grew and changed and became spectacular because of them.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
So Long Kazakhstan
Song: The Edge by Amber Rubarth and David Peters
I'm about to become a sad sop of a mess. 3 minutes ago everything was totally fine, and now I cannot find any song to stop the tears. My body is in shambles: sore from my run yesterday, constant stomach pain, inability to sleep for several days now. I'm trying to remember the devastation of leaving Montenegro and my great dislike of Kazakhstan when I first moved here. But my feelings for this city are overwhelming.
What can I say to a place that has given me so much joy, and so many life lessons, and helped me grow in a multitude of ways. Thanks for the views, experiences, and smiles.
So long Kazakhstan!
Because I grew so much in Almaty, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on my goals for Abu Dhabi. I think my main goal is to continue to be who I was born to be. Nature enthusiast, and an active and healthy member of this world. I will continue saving money and continue to travel the world. I will love more aspects of my life, and be less anxious about my future. What is meant to be will find a way to be.
I want to put my all into my relationship and really find happiness in sharing a life with someone else. I will learn how to communicate freely rather than letting my emotions and annoyances bubble up inside of me.
For work I'd love to build stronger relationships with my students and try to promote more independence in them. I'm going to become a coach, and try to create action around the school. I want to learn to collaborate more openly, and take criticism as a way to build a better classroom.
Some smaller goals for the upcoming few years:
1. Run a Marathon
2. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro
3. Visit Africa! Step out of my comfort zone about where I go.
4. Be more environmentally friendly
5. Keep my life more organized and clean
6. Run an Ultra trail run(for a year or 2 from now)
7. Drink WAAAAAY less
8. Focus my "me" time, and "We" time- less time on social media when out
Okay...so I have a lot of goals, but what other way is there to live life, than by constantly striving to be the best version of yourself.
Thursday, April 18, 2019
United Arab Emirates
I don't know what to do with this blog post. So I'm just going to put it here. I will say that I tend to write about the bad rather than the good, and that at the end of this trip I took a good, long, hard, look at my life and what I want next.
16/3/19I am so overly tired that I'm just going to let them roll. I'm trying so fricken hard to not compare this to Indonesia, but I'm struggling already and I have to do this for at least 2 years.
17/3/19I wish I were feeling surprise and happiness at the fact that I get to live here, but I feel a fear churning inside me, because what made me happy today was consumerism and that happiness is temporary. It does not last.
18/3/19I am so scared I'm going to fail at being happy here. It may not seem like I am putting any effort into this, but I am doing everything in my capacity, including inhaling ice cream by the pound and working out like a maniac, and having my music constantly turned up. If you want to find out if I'm really content, just try to take away my music.
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There is a big danger in living your life 2 years by 2 years.
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When I look at where I want to go it looks like I am taking 1 huge step forward. Toward security, a relationship, a better career and a real country. But I feel deeply down like I am taking 1000 little steps backwards, to where I hate myself and who I am.
3/4/19
It’s not that I don’t want to move here to be with you. It’s that I know who I am, and I know that find happiness for her there will be near impossible. I know that I am a mountain lover. Falling in love with mountains was the easiest thing I have ever done. I know that I do not like the beach, because finally coming to the conclusion of this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know that I love beer, but that I do NOT love disgusting beer. It’s hard enough to find the disgusting crap there, I don’t think spending 10 dollars on one will be worth it. I know that I love simple pleasures in life, such as catching the sunset while walking, treating myself to a coffee at a place I happen upon when out running errands. And I know none of these experiences can take place in a mall. I know that when push comes to shove I will stay in and be depressed an lonely over spending $10 on a cab to go out with friends. Call me stingy, but I know that value of $10 on any given trip I have taken, and I know that is half a daily budget toward a memorable day out in a lot of places. The thing that kills me the most is that I know that of all the times I have considered sacrificing my dreams and happiness for another human I have ended up choosing selfishness. And that selfishness has caused me to grow and become exactly who I want to be.
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