Untitled #5

21.8.18
There has to be something to say for soul mates. I mean yes, it is about hard work and the constant trying, but also, shouldn’t it be about that constant, instant  connection? That utter chemistry? 

23.8.18
Really not wanting to be alone anymore. But I'm trying to remember that this might be my last year to really be by myself. Embrace it!

26.8.18
This school year is going to be a tough one. Mentally because school seems to be in utter chaos, physically because I've decided to challenge myself in my exercise habits, and emotionally because I'm really not sure about the status of my heart right now. I thought maybe I'd be able to just slide through my second year here, and continue to build the best version of myself, but life has put a few too many barriers in the way for now.

I cannot remember a time I was ever this secure in who I was, yet so incredibly insecure about myself in terms of what others think about me.

2.9.18
Somehow I find myself searching for jobs in a place I swore I'd never search for a job.

21.9.18
Tonight while running a song that I fell in love with a year ago came on. I remember listening to it and not really understanding why it meant anything, but today I know. Last year at this time I was going on a lot of first, second, and sometimes even third dates. After each one I'd get home and message my best friend and think to myself how much better the evening would have been if he had been sitting across from me. We've come a long way in the last year. I'm so happy to be working toward my home with him :)

8.10.18
I'm feel strangely content even though I have no idea where I'm going next. I feel satisfied with what I've accomplished with myself here.

10.10.18
I'm starting to really re-think my career path and choices. Sometimes I think about the problems I've had in the last year and I wonder if I'm a really bad teacher. But this is the first place I've had problems. In all my other schools my students have been mostly angels and they have all adored me. I wonder if it's a cultural thing.

18.10.18
So many unanswered questions....

20.10.18
I think travel is starting to become too normal. When my mom asked if I was excited about this trip it hadn't even registered that I was going anywhere. Sometimes I feel like this life has become a chore. All these planes are just barriers to being with you.
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I am on this trajectory. My own decisions have put me here, and I cannot change my course. I'm starting to feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.

27.10.18
Some reflections on Rome from a plane: It seems I spend so much time worry about the future that I don't enjoy the present. I wait until the last minute to start appreciating what is in front of me, and were I am.

I'm worried about sharing my life with someone. 4 years is a long time to be alone and get comfortable with doing things the way I want and when I want. I have to learn to let go, ease up, and accept that if i just want to share the joys of life with someone I also need to share the challenges and the normalcy of it too.

There is a lot to work on, and a difficult few months ahead of me and a lifetime of challenges ahead of us, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm gonna keep following it for you.

31 days of self love

I recently joined an online fitness community for teachers. It adds a little extra support to my desire to become healthier this year. One person recently commented on how it is highly important that we stay emotionally fit. As important as my physical health is to me, I've realized since coming back to Kazakhstan that I am not in the best emotional state. So I've vowed to do 31 days of self love to get myself back to where I need to be in terms of accepting who I truly am.

*As a side note this took me way longer than 31 days as I kept skipping. But it was good self reflection regardless. 

Day 1
Today my biggest struggle to loving myself is my fear of being too selfish. I had a long chat with my bestie today about how much I should be willing to sacrifice for someone I truly love at this stage in my life. One of the most honest truths she said is that is that if I sacrifice too much I will just be resentful and break the relationship. This made me realize that really I'm the most confident in who I am and what I want out of life that I've ever been. I just can't let my fear of selfishness stand in the way of the decisions I make for my future

Day 2
I started training for a half marathon. I really don't think I can run that long at one time. 

Day 3
I can start cleaning up after myself right away, rather than letting my apartment get out of control dirty.

Day 4
One compliment I struggle to accept is that I'm brave. I meet a lot of really brave people, so I don't really consider myself brave by comparison.

Day 5
Something I need to start saying yes to is taking nights off from my usual routine to keep in touch with friends and build new friendships. Less time about me and more about others. 

Day 6
Today I need to forgive myself for not always being the best teacher, and not always feeling 100% confident in my abilities.

Day 7
I love my skin (unless I eat too much chocolate) and my hair color. I love that I'm strong enough to travel alone. 

Day 8
I need to take my time when it comes to the future. Things are "up in the air" right now, and I'm really not good at doing the "not knowing" part of life. Luckily I've been so busy with work that I've let some of it go. I need to realize that if things are meant to fall into place they will, and me rushing them will only make things worse.

Day 9
I need to get rid of the sugar. I did really good for 2 week and felt so much more energetic and full of life. I looked and felt better about myself. Now I'm back to eating too much of it, and it really effects my sleep, and body image. Also the clutter and the clothes.

Day 10
I can set boundaries by turning off the computer and my phone and making 20-30 minutes for myself.

Day 11
I would describe myself as being a very adventurous person who does not like sitting still. I would say I'm outdoorsy and like to travel and see the beauty of the world. 

Day 12
Today my friends made me feel happy to be alive. And my home. This city has so much to offer, and I feel like my home is a place I can relax and chill out.

Day 13
Maybe I'll post this. Basically I went to work sick today. Gross. 

Day 14
My younger self would be really proud of me for not settling for what I thought I wanted.

Day 15
I'm afraid to ask for my classroom back. Mostly because I know I can't have it right now. But I am definitely afraid to ask for what I need.

Day 16
I think the most loving thing I do for myself is take care of my body. Most people work themselves silly, and eat low calories to lose weight. I workout and eat like I do because I know it is what my body needs.

Day 17
I indulged myself this weekend by purchasing a decently expensive dress (well for me...) and a nice long sleeve running top. Also, booking nice spots to stay in Italy in 3 weeks.

Day 18
One change I need to make to make myself happier: I'll say it again loud and clear. Give up the sugar. Also, move toward my relationship, and quit ignoring it. 

Day 19
I am making the world a better place by teaching kids to think in new ways.

Day 20
 I'm giving myself a break today by eating the sugar. Lol. And also taking a day off running to let my knee heal.

Day 21
I'm working on believing I deserve nice things. I've always been a big saver, and I've always been raised to thinking about the money I spend. But recently I've been spending my money on nicer, high quality things.

Day 22
Looking at my stomach and overeating anyways makes me feel awful about my self control habits, and the fact that I'm not secure about how I look.

Day 23
My support system consists of my family, a few really close friend who live in various places around the world, and a few friends here. All in all it's pretty good, but I think I need to get better at maintaining the long distance.

Day 24
I wish my partner teacher would just tell me what I did to make her hate me so much. And how I can continue to sacrifice my own teaching needs to make her life easier. Sorry. Just time to be blatantly honest about it. 8 more weeks of sharing space....

Day 25
Apparently I'm pretty good at running. Also at drinking beer.

Day26
I'm ashamed of my eating habits. I seem pretty healthy on the outside, but when I get home at night I really enjoy some chocolate or ice cream. Also, ashamed of some of my drunken behaviors. And my inability to keep my apartment clean.

Day 27
My future self will thank me for completing this half marathon in the freezing cold. But I still don't wanna go!!!

Day 28
I have a few great role models. I really appreciate good teachers. The ones who are passionate and are constantly trying to be better. I have the same desires as them, but not quite the same drive. I love teaching, but I want to have a life outside of it as well. I think both of my brothers are awesome role models. They have accomplished so much in their lives and give so much to their families. My parents have been excellent role models as well. They always support me in whatever it is I want to do. I want to be supportive to the ones I love as well.

Day 29
I want to live my life by pretty much anything Tom Robbins says. “Death is simple. Life is messy. Give me life, the more complicated the better.”-Tom Robbins.

Also, Sufjan's lyrics "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake..."

Day 30

This really got me thinking. I think I really hate the label "American", because I think what people actually take it to mean is "privileged". I am privileged, but not in the way people think I am.

Day 31

Moving forward I can continue to break bad habits and build good ones. I can focus on the present, but look forward to the future.