Untitled #4

7/4/18

This life is totally normal, and yet everything has changed.

9/4/18

It was one of those lay on the couch with a glass of wine and listen to music sort of evenings. I was laying there wondering why I was wasting my time. I could have been out on an evening walk, practicing russian, reading my book, or playing my guitar. But this was what I needed. Not for any reason. Life isn't particularly stressful right now. But maybe it's okay to sit back in my happiness and just soak it up for a little while. I should do this more often.

14/4/18

One of my biggest life goals is to live in the present, but I'm finding that really hard to do when I get to see you in 2 months.

18/4/18

Getting truly comfortable with being alone is a very important step in life. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever go back. I love finding moments of solitude to be with, and love myself.

21/4/18

I don't know if it's just because I had 2 weeks of real companionship, if I'm anticipating the busyness of summer, or I'm feeling sedentary, but recently I've felt incredibly lonely.

24/4/18

I cannot wear this fear on my face.  This is not what I agreed to, and I will not be this girl again. The scars of 8 years ago cannot keep resurfacing. Then suddenly you come and make it alright without even knowing it was wrong. I tell you anyway, because I'm not around to play games. This is why I love us. It's never been like this before.

30/4/18

Sometimes I'm running at brilliant speed downhill, feeling the blood pumping in my heart. Then I turn around, and slow my pace as I start the slow ascent home, and I see the most magnificent view in front of my eyes. I have to wonder how I ended up here of all places. "Feet on the ground, head in the sky." This is home.

5/5/18

More and more every day. For all of my days. 

7/5/18

Nope. Eyes forward, on the prize. No distractions, no confusion. 

11/5/18

Trying really hard to live in the present, but with summer just around the corner, and a pile of upcoming events, I'm finding it difficult. I'm starting to really miss the simple, accepted stillness of Montenegro. Tonight I arrived home, at about 9:45pm on a Friday, and really wished I could walk to the beach to listen to the waves for an hour, or sit on my porch and play my guitar while watching the mandarin trees grows. In Montenegro I became confident in my simplicity of life, and my loneliness. The goal for next year is to find that confidence here.

26/5/18

Every once in awhile I still get totally overwhelmed with this feeling of joy. I know where it comes from it is makes me so juxtaposed: comforted and nervous as hell. Trusting things beyond mistake. 

4/6/18

Well, that was a strange little feeling I never expected to have. Amazing how little reminders bring up faded memories and emotions. 

11/6/18
The "maybe" scared me, but once we started saying only yes, I wasn't scared anymore.